Well it is almost here: my last year of college getting my Bachelor's Degree. I must say that I am pretty proud of myself in all that I have accomplished in the past 4 years so far. I am completely content and happy with my life thus far. No more D-bag guys in my life, getting amazing grades, losing weight like I want, in an apartment I ACTUALLY like, and getting along with my family wonderfully.
I finally have a boyfriend whom I have been with for almost 4 months now. Granted the circumstances are rather interesting, but I am happy needless to say. The only requirement on my mental checklist he doesn't meet is that he has gone to jail. Yes I know probably a pretty big one that I should consider, but he has learned his lesson and he knows that if he hasn't and goes back that I am gone. But he treats me with the utmost respect and treats me like a Queen. He's emotionally, physically and mentally connective with me and I haven't felt this complete in....well....ever. Life is going pretty good for me currently. No complaints thus far. :-)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Absentee Father...
Here I sit on February 7th, 2011. Day after the superbowl. Pittsburgh Steelers lost 31 - 25 against the Green Bay Packers. Woop-de-doo. Haha. I am having a hard time dealing with my long lost father. He came to visit but it was incredibly awkward. He had been gone for 14 years and just appeared back in my life out of the blue. I was glad when he left.
We had an issue yesterday when he said that he was trying to help me along my weight loss thing. He was rather harsh about it and I already beat myself up enough about it. Serena emailed him stating he is the "absentee" father and advice regarding my most sensitive insecurity is NOT credible coming from him. I emailed him as well stating that I was truly upset and very angry at him for what he said. I understand he was just trying to give me fatherly advice, but as I said it is not credible and worth anything positive to me due to him 14 year absence.
*shrug* I need to express my feelings better with him. I kind of just fake it with him. I know he is a recovering alcoholic and he can be very sensitive but I am going to be selfish regarding this subject. He needs to be careful as to what advice he is going to give me.
We had an issue yesterday when he said that he was trying to help me along my weight loss thing. He was rather harsh about it and I already beat myself up enough about it. Serena emailed him stating he is the "absentee" father and advice regarding my most sensitive insecurity is NOT credible coming from him. I emailed him as well stating that I was truly upset and very angry at him for what he said. I understand he was just trying to give me fatherly advice, but as I said it is not credible and worth anything positive to me due to him 14 year absence.
*shrug* I need to express my feelings better with him. I kind of just fake it with him. I know he is a recovering alcoholic and he can be very sensitive but I am going to be selfish regarding this subject. He needs to be careful as to what advice he is going to give me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Been Awhile But (Update)
So here goes my 4th year in college. Wow. Crazy that it's been 3+ years already. It makes me feel like I'm getting older. Not feel old, just feel that I am getting older. But I am on track with my life. So close to graduating, know what I want to do with my future, no meddling around with the distraction of boys. No not men, boys. Cause that's all that the past ones were.
I will be graduating June 2012 with my Bachelor of Science degree in Applied Developmental Psychology with a minor in Psychology and Social Work. I am so proud of myself for coming this far and accomplishing the idea of what I officially want to do.
Today I am sick for the first time of the school year. Stuffy nose, clogged sinuses and irritated throat, buuuut I am rite fully resting before I have to go to work.
Some may say I have no life, but that is completely untrue because I am building a future life for myself in the right way :)
I will be graduating June 2012 with my Bachelor of Science degree in Applied Developmental Psychology with a minor in Psychology and Social Work. I am so proud of myself for coming this far and accomplishing the idea of what I officially want to do.
Today I am sick for the first time of the school year. Stuffy nose, clogged sinuses and irritated throat, buuuut I am rite fully resting before I have to go to work.
Some may say I have no life, but that is completely untrue because I am building a future life for myself in the right way :)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Can't Make A Blind Man See
So Serena went back home yesterday and last night I kind of just kept to myself in my room. Originally because the movie downstairs was giving me a headache so I just went upstairs. And I could only sit in silence for so long before my brain started mulling over things in my life. Mainly, my love life, or lack there of-ish. Now if you know me, there is no need for me telling you that I preach that you can be happy independent and don't need to have a man to be happy in life. (No I am not a lesbian, that just means that you can be happy single). Well, I was at a low point last night thinking about my being single and why that is. I was feeling lonely, after having listened to other friends gushing about their relationships and being happy and sharing that happiness with someone else and how awesome it is.
As I said, I am an advocate that you can survive and be happy without being dependent on a man. My mother seems to think the opposite but that's a story I won't get into just yet. But anyways, yes I was having a human moment. I had thought about all of my friends in their relationships and they seem to be happy. I see Mo and Tommy affectionate with each other and I get all sappy about it on the inside. Now I am 20 years old and I understand that I have my whole life ahead of me to have my happy ending (har har no not that). I didn't want to say fairy tale ending because nothing in life is really "fairy tale".
Moving on. In the process of my thinking, I came across a huge breakthrough in my eyes. Now while I have been in love with my best friend, Randy, for the past 5 years. I really truly realized and saw something (figuratively of course). For these past 5 years, he's been "chasing" after this girl named Karla who has known that he likes her for forever. But she has always had a boyfriend so that was an obvious obstacle. Well, apparently she broke up with her boyfriend and now she is single, and her and Randy have been hanging out a lot lately and whatnot. No biggy right. Well, one of his best guy friends informed me the other day about how all these years she's been taking the fact that he's wrapped around her finger to her advantage and just leading him on and whatnot. Well, with the boyfriend problem out of the way, I am sure he is pretty happy about it. What does this have to do with me? Well...
If you have ever seen the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, I am sure you remember the seen where Michael (Dermot Mulroney) is chasing after Kimmy (Cameron Diaz), while Julianne (Julia Roberts) is chasing after Michael. Then, during the chase Julianne is on the phone with her best friend George (Rupert Everett) who makes her realize that no one is chasing after her and that her chasing Michael is a lost cause; basically not meant to be. How does this all come into play? Well, change the names from Michael to Randy, from Kimmy to Karla and from Julianne to Amanda (me). Except for the fact that I don't have a friend named George or anyone who helped me realize this breakthrough except for myself and my love for that freaking movie :-P
While texting with my friend Sian last night, I sent her the following epiphany that formed in my head while thinking things through:
"Yeah but see I've been 'chasing' him all these years while he's been 'chasing' Karla. Which basically has held me back from trying to date anyone else cause he's always been the guy in my life. And honestly I think we waited too long to do anything physical for it to turn into anything more than a friendship. I need to try and date other people. He'll be my guy best friend always I'm sure but I honestly don't forsee it going anywhere and I hate when I get to this point because he always bounces back when I lose interest. Just this time if he does it won't end up with me chasing him again (I hope.)."
And to be honest, I am tired of doing all this pointless chasing. I miss when it was just us being a male and female best friend to each other. I remember just chatting with him while I was dating other people and that was nice. I need to put him back into the friend category and leave him put there. And it is true that he bounces back when I lose interest and frankly I am tired of it because after a couple days of him "bouncing back" he ends up losing the interest, or so it seems. And it is true that we waited too long to do anything physical. I was too chicken and selfconscious and paranoid of what he thought ever since the day I met him that I never thought I was good enough for him. So i just stood on the sidelines and watched as he crushed and swooned over other girls, who for some reason I befriended them all.
If I stop thinking about what it could potentially be like in a relationship with him and just remain a friendship with him and only see him as a friend and nothing more, I shall be perfectly ok. I just need to fall out of love with my best friend. I've been in denial for forever about it all and even my friends and family telling me that it's really not worth it if I am not getting as much out of the relationship I have with him as I am giving. And believe me, I do a lot for him, just to try and impress him in my mind. Doesn't work.
Can't make a blind man see.
As I said, I am an advocate that you can survive and be happy without being dependent on a man. My mother seems to think the opposite but that's a story I won't get into just yet. But anyways, yes I was having a human moment. I had thought about all of my friends in their relationships and they seem to be happy. I see Mo and Tommy affectionate with each other and I get all sappy about it on the inside. Now I am 20 years old and I understand that I have my whole life ahead of me to have my happy ending (har har no not that). I didn't want to say fairy tale ending because nothing in life is really "fairy tale".
Moving on. In the process of my thinking, I came across a huge breakthrough in my eyes. Now while I have been in love with my best friend, Randy, for the past 5 years. I really truly realized and saw something (figuratively of course). For these past 5 years, he's been "chasing" after this girl named Karla who has known that he likes her for forever. But she has always had a boyfriend so that was an obvious obstacle. Well, apparently she broke up with her boyfriend and now she is single, and her and Randy have been hanging out a lot lately and whatnot. No biggy right. Well, one of his best guy friends informed me the other day about how all these years she's been taking the fact that he's wrapped around her finger to her advantage and just leading him on and whatnot. Well, with the boyfriend problem out of the way, I am sure he is pretty happy about it. What does this have to do with me? Well...
If you have ever seen the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, I am sure you remember the seen where Michael (Dermot Mulroney) is chasing after Kimmy (Cameron Diaz), while Julianne (Julia Roberts) is chasing after Michael. Then, during the chase Julianne is on the phone with her best friend George (Rupert Everett) who makes her realize that no one is chasing after her and that her chasing Michael is a lost cause; basically not meant to be. How does this all come into play? Well, change the names from Michael to Randy, from Kimmy to Karla and from Julianne to Amanda (me). Except for the fact that I don't have a friend named George or anyone who helped me realize this breakthrough except for myself and my love for that freaking movie :-P
While texting with my friend Sian last night, I sent her the following epiphany that formed in my head while thinking things through:
"Yeah but see I've been 'chasing' him all these years while he's been 'chasing' Karla. Which basically has held me back from trying to date anyone else cause he's always been the guy in my life. And honestly I think we waited too long to do anything physical for it to turn into anything more than a friendship. I need to try and date other people. He'll be my guy best friend always I'm sure but I honestly don't forsee it going anywhere and I hate when I get to this point because he always bounces back when I lose interest. Just this time if he does it won't end up with me chasing him again (I hope.)."
And to be honest, I am tired of doing all this pointless chasing. I miss when it was just us being a male and female best friend to each other. I remember just chatting with him while I was dating other people and that was nice. I need to put him back into the friend category and leave him put there. And it is true that he bounces back when I lose interest and frankly I am tired of it because after a couple days of him "bouncing back" he ends up losing the interest, or so it seems. And it is true that we waited too long to do anything physical. I was too chicken and selfconscious and paranoid of what he thought ever since the day I met him that I never thought I was good enough for him. So i just stood on the sidelines and watched as he crushed and swooned over other girls, who for some reason I befriended them all.
If I stop thinking about what it could potentially be like in a relationship with him and just remain a friendship with him and only see him as a friend and nothing more, I shall be perfectly ok. I just need to fall out of love with my best friend. I've been in denial for forever about it all and even my friends and family telling me that it's really not worth it if I am not getting as much out of the relationship I have with him as I am giving. And believe me, I do a lot for him, just to try and impress him in my mind. Doesn't work.
Can't make a blind man see.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Summer Vacation!
So far I have been at Mo and Tommys for 4 days. Today would be the fifth day and I am having a blast...even with the kids driving us insane at time :-P Serena comes over today :-D I am excited. I love having multiple people over here hanging out.
Ooooh and a few days ago I bought my tickets for the Blink 182, Taking Back Sunday, Weezer, and Chester French show that is on September 10th. I am way excited. Mo bought Tommy a ticket to go with me for Father's day :-D I am way excited. Sian and her boyfriend are going too. It will be a blast!.
And not to mention that the No Doubt & Paramore show is next month on the 19th!! Yep those are basically the only 2 shows that I am going to this summer cause if I go to more then it will just kill the energy that I will have at those 2 big concerts!! AMAZING!
Anywho just hanging out and just killing time before out guests get here for the amazing dinner that we made :-D
Ooooh and a few days ago I bought my tickets for the Blink 182, Taking Back Sunday, Weezer, and Chester French show that is on September 10th. I am way excited. Mo bought Tommy a ticket to go with me for Father's day :-D I am way excited. Sian and her boyfriend are going too. It will be a blast!.
And not to mention that the No Doubt & Paramore show is next month on the 19th!! Yep those are basically the only 2 shows that I am going to this summer cause if I go to more then it will just kill the energy that I will have at those 2 big concerts!! AMAZING!
Anywho just hanging out and just killing time before out guests get here for the amazing dinner that we made :-D
Sunday, June 7, 2009
All Growed Up
My little Seester is all growed up :-P She graduated yesterday from Rogers High School and I am oh so proud of her for working so hard to finish on time and be as successful as she should be :). She is going to go to SCC next year which makes me more proud of her for having a plan for next school year :)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Summer Funds
So with my current increase in hours at OCB, I have been pretty good as far as money goes. I make about $450 every 2 weeks but when school gets out, i will be making about $600 every 2 weeks with working 40 hours a week.
Well this past week my work study boss informed me that I am eligible to get work study over the summer and I could use it without having summer classes. I currently make $10.25 and hour there and that is very helpful along with my OCB checks for bills and saving money. Well during the summer, instead of only being able to work 20 hours a week at work study, I'd be working 40 hours a week.
I did the calculations right and during the summer I would be making a total of $2,824 a month if I worked 40 hours a week at OCB and 40 hours a week at work study. That would seriously be amazing, I wouldn't be strapped for cash at all.
My bills consist of:
$225 - rent
$30 - Comcast
$40 - Avista
$100 - Verizon
$50 - Discover
$20 - AE
All this is per month. I have been really good about saving money as of lately. :)
Just means more money towards saving for a car :-P
Well this past week my work study boss informed me that I am eligible to get work study over the summer and I could use it without having summer classes. I currently make $10.25 and hour there and that is very helpful along with my OCB checks for bills and saving money. Well during the summer, instead of only being able to work 20 hours a week at work study, I'd be working 40 hours a week.
I did the calculations right and during the summer I would be making a total of $2,824 a month if I worked 40 hours a week at OCB and 40 hours a week at work study. That would seriously be amazing, I wouldn't be strapped for cash at all.
My bills consist of:
$225 - rent
$30 - Comcast
$40 - Avista
$100 - Verizon
$50 - Discover
$20 - AE
All this is per month. I have been really good about saving money as of lately. :)
Just means more money towards saving for a car :-P
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