So since my last post, things between my mother haven't been good like at all. It just got worse with each passing day. It got to the point on Friday that I just couldn't take it anymore. I ended up working out so hard at the gym I almost passed out. Pretty bad I know, I never realize how much harder I work out when I am upset.
Well, to my surprise, Mo texted me and asked me if I wanted to come over for the weekend. I seriously thought she was joking with me. The usual "you know, you have a place over here that you can move too, there are schools here hehe" or "how about you hurry up and get here lol" Not in those exact words, those are just off the top of my head, but you get the picture. But no she was dead serious. I called and was like "uh yeah I can't really afford something like that" long story short, they knew I was having a difficult time and they flew me out to their place for the weekend. I called in "sick" to work for the weekend and just up and left. Man it was a much needed and much enjoyed break from life here. Unfortunately to end a good weekend, I went back home to what I am now referring to as my hell.
Mom had picked me up. It was seriously the most awkward car ride I have ever had with my mother. Dead silent for almost the entire time. She started asking me questions and stuff, again pushing issues that I was not yet ready to talk about. So much has happened this past week regarding my mother, almost too much to spill out about on here. But anyways, yes dealing with my mother is difficult, and I am having dinner with her at 6pm on Tuesday at Tomato Street to try and explain to her why I am upset by her actions. She seems to think it is pointless, which in turn makes me think she's not willing to try considering she said "what's the point" when I asked her about it. But my theory is that if I put myself out there and explain my side rationally as an adult and be the bigger person in the situation, I won't have the regret or guilt on my shoulders of not trying to fix things. I am not ashamed of how I feel and I do not want to hide it. That's just not me.
Things with Serena are good. Thank goodness, cause she has saved me through so much. I am truly grateful to have a friend like her, no matter how frustrated I can get with her. :)
Roommates...well. hmm. How do I go about this subject. Well, they keep me up at night being loud and obnoxious playing video games while I am trying to get a good night's sleep before school the next day. I am insulted constantly, whether they be "women" jokes, or fat jokes, or whatever. (those happen to be the popular ones). Randy doesn't clean AT ALL. Cody STILL doesn't have a job. Bryan, well he does neither, but he doesn't technically live here. He DOES however contribute to the loudness at night when I am trying to sleep. My food is eaten constantly. Not so much now as it was a couple months ago. That could be because I b****ed about it because I cannot afford to pay for food for 3 let alone 2 other people. I do get Chuck E. Cheese comments thrown at me here and there, but that is my fault for telling them at all what happened. Usually I just act like the comment doesn't affect me and they tend to shut up. But yeah pretty much, that's the life of me here in this apartment. Don't really know what to do.
School, it's going pretty good. Chemistry could be better and Biology is better than last year. Film is easy. Fast fitness is bomb!
Work, both jobs are going fantastic...ish.
Anyways, Spring Break is in officially 5 weeks and I am so ready for it. 10 days out of this hellhole.
This is all scrambled together I know, but just getting my thoughts out there.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"And Even When Your Hope Is Gone. Move Along Move Along Just To Make It Through. Move Along. Move Along"
Bare with me I am about to spout off in a direction that has many different pathways and I have no idea how it is going to come out or how profane it may come across but here it is:
August 2006. What is important about this month? Well my mother divorced probably the worst guy she has ever dated/married in all that I have known her. His name was Eric and to put it bluntly he was the biggest asshole I have ever known in my life. The funny thing is that I am no longer mad at him. In fact I don't know if I was ever really mad at HIM and not my Mom. My mother basically let him replace my dad and I really resent her for that. Always trying to get me to call him dad even though she knew I never would be ok with that. I remember a couple times that she let him ground me for a month for absolutely nothing. This isn't the attitude of a typical rebellious child against the parents, this is fact. She has even admitted it recently. I don't think I have ever felt so much disrespect from someone besides him. And once again, my mother just sat on the sidelines just watching this happen and didn't do anything to prevent it. And along with the disrespect to me he disrespected my mother and she just took it, so as far as that goes I don't really feel sorry for her sadly because she just dealt with it. She didn't do anything to prevent THAT either. There were countless nights that my sister and I were unable to go to sleep because they had yelling battles back and forth.
Now here comes the part that pisses me off most about my mother. She would come to me asking me how I really feel about who she is dating. When I told her that I thoroughly loath, not hate, LOATH Eric for how disrespectful he is to her, Kyla, AND I, she basically brushed it off like it was nothing and AGAIN did NOTHING about it. And when I told her how I felt about the situation and that I am not the only one feeling that way at the time, she would use the response "I don't want to hear it" every single time that I would express my opinion that she ASKED for. If you don't want to "hear my opinion" then don't fucking ask for it.
She was with Eric for I believe 3 years and after divorcing him she dated her old high school sweetheart, Howard, for awhile until she realized that they would only be good as friends. And when they broke up, my mom was upset. But again I don't really feel sorry for her considering I told her that I thought being single for a while would be good for her. I don't remember how long she stayed single before she got with Howard. They were together a few months and this is where the "is he a good father figure" questions started with her. Howard was cool I'm not going to lie, but no one can replace my father. And I could also tell that Howard and my mother were not really maritally compatible. I, once again, gave my mom the "Being Single Is Ok" speech and I thought she had gotten the hint for awhile until about a month after Howard and her broke up, Eric came over and I immediately went to my room and didn't come out until he left. My mom tried figuring out what my problem was, she was pretty much playing dumb, which I hate that. She knew very well why I was upset about him coming over. But wait it doesn't stop there. I think it was maybe a week or two weeks tops, he came over again, and once again, I went immediately in my room. My mom sat us down with Eric in the same room and I wouldn't look at him. She told us that they were going to try dating again and I got pissed and went to my room. And as I suspected, the fighting and yelling began again after they were dating for awhile and when they finally broke up for good I threw an "I told you so" type comment to her. And once again, didn't feel sorry for her because she put herself in a situation that we all had warned her about.
I have become even more distant with her since then. That is where the distance between us started because she basically fucked over our mother-daughter bond with ignoring my feelings and my warnings to her about the situation with Eric. She continues her dating habits. She doesn't really wait very long to jump into another relationship. I think the last time I told her that it was ok to be single her response was "I'm afraid to be alone". She has become so dependent on her relationships that she tries to solidify with the guys she dates, and they have been failed attempts. I hate sounding so harsh but the truth hurts and she doesn't seem to see it.
Ok now to the most current issue. Last night's dinner which was supposed to be a nice night out that Kyla and I paid for for the family turned disasterous. Mom, Kyla, and I hung out for a couple hours before going to dinner. Now earlier in the day Steve (my mom's new beau) had decided that he didn't want to go to dinner, which was fine, we would just have a girls day with my mom, sister, grandma, and grandma's friend. I thought it would be a nice evening out. Well as it got closer to 6 o'clock, which was when we decided to go to dinner, Steve started calling more frequently changing his mind about whether or not he was going to go to dinner with us. I was seriously thinking "I don't want him there if he is just going to keep being indecisive about whether or not he wants to even go to dinner at all." Well he did end up coming to dinner....but beforehand my mother and I had to go pick him up from his friend's house. On the way there I told my mom that she blocks everyone whenever she is talking to Steve and she tried telling me that she does that when she's talking to us, which is not true. And she looks at me and said "If you have a problem with Steve, you need to tell me right now."
I said "I don't have a problem with Steve. I have a problem with the drinking and....."
She didn't let me finish saying what I wanted which was "...the unemployment". She turned around and said "he doesn't drink all the time. In the last 2 days he's drank maybe two times. Everyone says he drinks all the times but...."
I said "Everytime I see him he either has a beer in his hand or he is drunk"
She stopped talking about it then because we had gotten to his friend's house and she went inside to get him. I think the top two traits my mom looks for in a guy is alcoholism and unemployment, I swear cause that's how almost all of her boyfriends have been.
While she was inside I called Mo and vented a little about what had happened earlier in the day. But it was maybe a 5 minute conversation because my mom and Steve had come back outside. As soon as Steve got in the car, he reeked of alcohol and he was slurring. I just kept rolling my eyes all the way to the Olive Garden. But when he got in the car he was like "Hey honey." Which weirds me out everytime he says something like that, ESPECIALLY when he's drunk. On the car ride to the Olive Garden he kept messing with the radio like you would expect a 12 year old to do. And my mom was getting frustrated with him for doing so and he still wouldn't stop.
Anyways we got downtown, and this day I decided to wear heels that day, and we got out of the car. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steve giving me the up and down look and it weirded me out. And then at one point I heard him go "mm-mm" right in front of my mom and she just let it happen. Eeeewwww! So as we got closer to the restaurant, I was rushing to get inside and get away from Steve.
So we all got inside and were seated, and we all started looking through our menus.........except for Steve. We all nudged him about looking at his menu and his response was "I'd rather be at home. I don't want to fucking eat here. You're fucking wasting your money" And every other word was a cuss word. I finally had had enough with it and said "Steve stop. There are children sitting at the next table and this is a family restaurant. Be kind and courteous." All he said was that he didn't fucking care. Which pissed me off more so I just buried my face in my menu and slid down my chair a little. My mom and him finally went outside and my sister, grandma and her friend all were talking about how ridiculous it was that he was there and that mom should have taken him home. My mom ended up coming back to the table first and we all told her that he needed to go home and she said "ENOUGH. I don't need this." And we all went back to ordering our food. Steve ended up coming back and STILL wouldn't order, which made my sister and I feel insulted because here we are using our hard earned cash to pay for a nice family dinner and he won't accept it. He complained all through dinner that he didn't want to be there. So needless to say, my sister and I both went home pissed.
I didn't get much sleep last night because of how upset I was, even after venting to Mo. She helped a lot and I am so grateful to have her and Tommy in my life to help me get through rough times like this in my life. She told me I should tell my mom how I feel about it, and I was planning on it, even though I knew the end result would be the same, she wouldn't want to hear it. So this morning this was the conversation:
Me: Morning
Mom: good morning honey--thank you for dinner last night it was wonderful.
Me: Yep.
Mom: Are you mad at me?
Me: More frustrated than mad. Mad is too harsh.
Mom: Okay then talk to me...
Me: Ok. Last night was BS and you know it. He should have gone home and dinner was ruined and kyla and I feel insult and hurt by the way he acted last night and don't appreciate it.
Mom: I thought things got better after Steve and I went outside and talked. Apparently I am wrong.
Me: Yeah. Maybe things got better between you two arguing between you guys wise but no it was not better.
Mom: No one ever wants to see the bigger picture. They only see bits and pieces. It won't happen again.
Me: We'll see about that. I'm not holding back like I always do with you. Just being honest.
Mom: And it's because of comments like that. We're not doing that again.
Me: wow.
And that was the conversation and I haven't spoken to her since. I ended up crying on the way home from school while talking to Mo. I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom doesn't see how much she is pushing me even further away with stuff like that, the "holier than thow" attitude that everyone is wrong about the situation in her eyes. I decided that I am not going to hold back anymore with my mom. I am done hiding how I feel about the things she does and giving her the answers she wants to hear. I decided that I am distancing myself away from my mom for awhile, maybe she will get the picture that things have not changed since Eric and realize that her dating habits are unhealthy. There is so much more that I could add to this blog but it wouldn't make sense and I just don't want to dig into that. But I have decided that I am not going to speak to my mother for awhile. She just sent me "Just let me know when you are done being pissed off at me. Will give you space until then" And again she thinks that it's not her fault. She doesn't get it and I am not going to spell it out for her.
And she wonders why I go see Mo and Tommy as often as I do, besides the fact that I want to see them duh! But I don't have to deal with what my mom puts me through over there.
These are some songs I was listening to while writing this:
The All-American Rejects "Move Along" This song is my theme song to life
Rise Against "Prayer of the Refugee"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Navigate Me"
Underoath "It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door"
Anberlin "Time & Confusion"
The Used "Paralyzed"
Bloodhound Gang "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo"
The Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Teasing To Please"
Motion City Soundtrack "Fell In Love Without You"
The Audition "Don't Be So Hard"
Underoath "You're Ever So Inviting"
The Used "Buried Myself Alive"
Finch "What It Is To Burn"
Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved"
Saosin "It's Far Better To Learn"
SPRING BREAK COUNTDOWN: 6 weeks.
August 2006. What is important about this month? Well my mother divorced probably the worst guy she has ever dated/married in all that I have known her. His name was Eric and to put it bluntly he was the biggest asshole I have ever known in my life. The funny thing is that I am no longer mad at him. In fact I don't know if I was ever really mad at HIM and not my Mom. My mother basically let him replace my dad and I really resent her for that. Always trying to get me to call him dad even though she knew I never would be ok with that. I remember a couple times that she let him ground me for a month for absolutely nothing. This isn't the attitude of a typical rebellious child against the parents, this is fact. She has even admitted it recently. I don't think I have ever felt so much disrespect from someone besides him. And once again, my mother just sat on the sidelines just watching this happen and didn't do anything to prevent it. And along with the disrespect to me he disrespected my mother and she just took it, so as far as that goes I don't really feel sorry for her sadly because she just dealt with it. She didn't do anything to prevent THAT either. There were countless nights that my sister and I were unable to go to sleep because they had yelling battles back and forth.
Now here comes the part that pisses me off most about my mother. She would come to me asking me how I really feel about who she is dating. When I told her that I thoroughly loath, not hate, LOATH Eric for how disrespectful he is to her, Kyla, AND I, she basically brushed it off like it was nothing and AGAIN did NOTHING about it. And when I told her how I felt about the situation and that I am not the only one feeling that way at the time, she would use the response "I don't want to hear it" every single time that I would express my opinion that she ASKED for. If you don't want to "hear my opinion" then don't fucking ask for it.
She was with Eric for I believe 3 years and after divorcing him she dated her old high school sweetheart, Howard, for awhile until she realized that they would only be good as friends. And when they broke up, my mom was upset. But again I don't really feel sorry for her considering I told her that I thought being single for a while would be good for her. I don't remember how long she stayed single before she got with Howard. They were together a few months and this is where the "is he a good father figure" questions started with her. Howard was cool I'm not going to lie, but no one can replace my father. And I could also tell that Howard and my mother were not really maritally compatible. I, once again, gave my mom the "Being Single Is Ok" speech and I thought she had gotten the hint for awhile until about a month after Howard and her broke up, Eric came over and I immediately went to my room and didn't come out until he left. My mom tried figuring out what my problem was, she was pretty much playing dumb, which I hate that. She knew very well why I was upset about him coming over. But wait it doesn't stop there. I think it was maybe a week or two weeks tops, he came over again, and once again, I went immediately in my room. My mom sat us down with Eric in the same room and I wouldn't look at him. She told us that they were going to try dating again and I got pissed and went to my room. And as I suspected, the fighting and yelling began again after they were dating for awhile and when they finally broke up for good I threw an "I told you so" type comment to her. And once again, didn't feel sorry for her because she put herself in a situation that we all had warned her about.
I have become even more distant with her since then. That is where the distance between us started because she basically fucked over our mother-daughter bond with ignoring my feelings and my warnings to her about the situation with Eric. She continues her dating habits. She doesn't really wait very long to jump into another relationship. I think the last time I told her that it was ok to be single her response was "I'm afraid to be alone". She has become so dependent on her relationships that she tries to solidify with the guys she dates, and they have been failed attempts. I hate sounding so harsh but the truth hurts and she doesn't seem to see it.
Ok now to the most current issue. Last night's dinner which was supposed to be a nice night out that Kyla and I paid for for the family turned disasterous. Mom, Kyla, and I hung out for a couple hours before going to dinner. Now earlier in the day Steve (my mom's new beau) had decided that he didn't want to go to dinner, which was fine, we would just have a girls day with my mom, sister, grandma, and grandma's friend. I thought it would be a nice evening out. Well as it got closer to 6 o'clock, which was when we decided to go to dinner, Steve started calling more frequently changing his mind about whether or not he was going to go to dinner with us. I was seriously thinking "I don't want him there if he is just going to keep being indecisive about whether or not he wants to even go to dinner at all." Well he did end up coming to dinner....but beforehand my mother and I had to go pick him up from his friend's house. On the way there I told my mom that she blocks everyone whenever she is talking to Steve and she tried telling me that she does that when she's talking to us, which is not true. And she looks at me and said "If you have a problem with Steve, you need to tell me right now."
I said "I don't have a problem with Steve. I have a problem with the drinking and....."
She didn't let me finish saying what I wanted which was "...the unemployment". She turned around and said "he doesn't drink all the time. In the last 2 days he's drank maybe two times. Everyone says he drinks all the times but...."
I said "Everytime I see him he either has a beer in his hand or he is drunk"
She stopped talking about it then because we had gotten to his friend's house and she went inside to get him. I think the top two traits my mom looks for in a guy is alcoholism and unemployment, I swear cause that's how almost all of her boyfriends have been.
While she was inside I called Mo and vented a little about what had happened earlier in the day. But it was maybe a 5 minute conversation because my mom and Steve had come back outside. As soon as Steve got in the car, he reeked of alcohol and he was slurring. I just kept rolling my eyes all the way to the Olive Garden. But when he got in the car he was like "Hey honey." Which weirds me out everytime he says something like that, ESPECIALLY when he's drunk. On the car ride to the Olive Garden he kept messing with the radio like you would expect a 12 year old to do. And my mom was getting frustrated with him for doing so and he still wouldn't stop.
Anyways we got downtown, and this day I decided to wear heels that day, and we got out of the car. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steve giving me the up and down look and it weirded me out. And then at one point I heard him go "mm-mm" right in front of my mom and she just let it happen. Eeeewwww! So as we got closer to the restaurant, I was rushing to get inside and get away from Steve.
So we all got inside and were seated, and we all started looking through our menus.........except for Steve. We all nudged him about looking at his menu and his response was "I'd rather be at home. I don't want to fucking eat here. You're fucking wasting your money" And every other word was a cuss word. I finally had had enough with it and said "Steve stop. There are children sitting at the next table and this is a family restaurant. Be kind and courteous." All he said was that he didn't fucking care. Which pissed me off more so I just buried my face in my menu and slid down my chair a little. My mom and him finally went outside and my sister, grandma and her friend all were talking about how ridiculous it was that he was there and that mom should have taken him home. My mom ended up coming back to the table first and we all told her that he needed to go home and she said "ENOUGH. I don't need this." And we all went back to ordering our food. Steve ended up coming back and STILL wouldn't order, which made my sister and I feel insulted because here we are using our hard earned cash to pay for a nice family dinner and he won't accept it. He complained all through dinner that he didn't want to be there. So needless to say, my sister and I both went home pissed.
I didn't get much sleep last night because of how upset I was, even after venting to Mo. She helped a lot and I am so grateful to have her and Tommy in my life to help me get through rough times like this in my life. She told me I should tell my mom how I feel about it, and I was planning on it, even though I knew the end result would be the same, she wouldn't want to hear it. So this morning this was the conversation:
Me: Morning
Mom: good morning honey--thank you for dinner last night it was wonderful.
Me: Yep.
Mom: Are you mad at me?
Me: More frustrated than mad. Mad is too harsh.
Mom: Okay then talk to me...
Me: Ok. Last night was BS and you know it. He should have gone home and dinner was ruined and kyla and I feel insult and hurt by the way he acted last night and don't appreciate it.
Mom: I thought things got better after Steve and I went outside and talked. Apparently I am wrong.
Me: Yeah. Maybe things got better between you two arguing between you guys wise but no it was not better.
Mom: No one ever wants to see the bigger picture. They only see bits and pieces. It won't happen again.
Me: We'll see about that. I'm not holding back like I always do with you. Just being honest.
Mom: And it's because of comments like that. We're not doing that again.
Me: wow.
And that was the conversation and I haven't spoken to her since. I ended up crying on the way home from school while talking to Mo. I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom doesn't see how much she is pushing me even further away with stuff like that, the "holier than thow" attitude that everyone is wrong about the situation in her eyes. I decided that I am not going to hold back anymore with my mom. I am done hiding how I feel about the things she does and giving her the answers she wants to hear. I decided that I am distancing myself away from my mom for awhile, maybe she will get the picture that things have not changed since Eric and realize that her dating habits are unhealthy. There is so much more that I could add to this blog but it wouldn't make sense and I just don't want to dig into that. But I have decided that I am not going to speak to my mother for awhile. She just sent me "Just let me know when you are done being pissed off at me. Will give you space until then" And again she thinks that it's not her fault. She doesn't get it and I am not going to spell it out for her.
And she wonders why I go see Mo and Tommy as often as I do, besides the fact that I want to see them duh! But I don't have to deal with what my mom puts me through over there.
These are some songs I was listening to while writing this:
The All-American Rejects "Move Along" This song is my theme song to life
Rise Against "Prayer of the Refugee"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Navigate Me"
Underoath "It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door"
Anberlin "Time & Confusion"
The Used "Paralyzed"
Bloodhound Gang "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo"
The Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Teasing To Please"
Motion City Soundtrack "Fell In Love Without You"
The Audition "Don't Be So Hard"
Underoath "You're Ever So Inviting"
The Used "Buried Myself Alive"
Finch "What It Is To Burn"
Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved"
Saosin "It's Far Better To Learn"
SPRING BREAK COUNTDOWN: 6 weeks.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Changes. Or New Beginnings.
Interesting title to call a blog I suppose. Sounds like it is going to be one of those New Year's Resolution blogs eh? haha far from. Well kind of. haha
So in the past 3 weeks I have lost 10 pounds and I am super proud of myself for sticking to my "lifestyle changes" plan. (AKA diet). Still no red meat which I am really proud of myself for sticking to considering I LOOOOOOVE steak. BUT I plan on cooking a big steak dinner March 19th :-D
The above image is me with my new hair. I went and got my hair cut on Friday after school. Got more noticable layers, bangs and got it thinned out and trimmed about an inch. It definitely feels lighter. But that's not all. I also dyed it two different colors as you can see. Lighter blonde on top that has a reddish tint to it for some reason. I blame the genes I got from my mother's side of the family because they have the reddish hair lol. Still looks cool. And the bottom layer is dark brown. At first when I dyed it I had a lighter brown and darker blonde so you couldn't really tell that I had dyed it. But this is the final product of it.
I was planning on getting new glasses on Friday but due to the fact that my mother chose a difficult insurance company, I am having a hard time finding a place that will accept it. So my mom and I are going to go to Sears next week and get glasses. It has been about 3 years since my last eye appt so I think it is definitely time for me to get new glasses. The lens I have are all scratched up. Not broken but scratched. Plus I want new glasses for my new look.
The only thing right now that makes me look like I have a new look is my hair and my mom and grandma have noticed that I have been slowly thinning out. I have a few other ideas that I plan to go through with but that isn't until Spring Break. I plan on getting my spiffy cool tattoo on my left foot. Musical related. lots and lots of music notes that's for sure. And I also want to get the bottom left part of my lip pierced (your right side if you're looking at me). plus I would also like another part of my ear pierced. Maybe the upper part of my right ear to balance out the piercings on my head. If that makes sense. haha
My computer works thankfully. Turns out putting it on hibernate or standby all the time is bad for it. I would have never guessed. haha. My charger shorted out so I had to spend $100 to replace it. Which is fine by me, technology can be spendy but it is helpful especially when you're in college.
Anywho I don't really have much else to say. That's the update. oooo new music
Breathe Carolina "The Birds & the Bees"
Lady Gaga "Poker Face" ---- Mo you will love this one
Cute Is What We Aim For "Practice Makes Perfect"
All American Rejects "Gives You Hell"
Fall Out Boy "I Don't Care"
The Killers "Human"
Carolina Liar "I'm Not Over"
The Used "The Bird & The Worm"
Meg & Dia "Black Wedding"
Alkaline Trio "Time To Waste"
The Actual "Dancing On The Perimeter"
The Academy Is... "About A Girl"
Just some of the stuff I have been listening to lately :)
Oh yeah I got a new phone btw. The LG Voyager. Pretty fricken Sweet if you ask me.
Word of the day: Adroit (means expert or Skillful)
final note: 44 days til Spring Break. Woo!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Study Break!!
I have been studying Biology since I got home about 3 or 4 hours ago. And I still plan to study it more after I get done messing around online. I have a test on Tuesday and I would like to do really well on it. So studying away I do...that statement didn't make sense...hmm oh well. That's me. Not making sense.
Every month I come to the conclusion that some things about being a girl sucks. I am fairly certain that you know EXACTLY what I am referring to. It is very unwanted haha. But whatever, the joys of being female. From the sounds of it my sister Kyla is dealing with the same thing and takes it out on my mother. Of course she will never admit this to my face. "My mother" is a touchy subject with her. *shrugs* I don't really know how to help with that. Ever since her boyfriend moved out, she gets b****ier with my mom everytime she comes home from seeing him. Hormones I guess. She will grow out of it hopefully, sooner than later I hope. Cause even though my mom frustrates me to no end, I still love her and want to be there for her when she needs me (which seems to be a lot lately). Not the whole give her everything and wait on her hand and foot but yeah like the daughter she can confide in when she's having a rough time and needs someone to talk to :-D I'm pretty good at filling that part.
I ordered ProActiv about a month ago and it JUST came yesterday. Geez, you would think that they would have like EXCESS amounts of this stuff with how often people order it. Yes I am "jumping on the bandwagon" for it just to try it out. I don't need it as much as some but hey *shrugs* why not.
My "big word" for the day = SPLENETIC.
What does it mean? Irritable and spiteful.
just seems to be my mood....towards work that is.
Every month I come to the conclusion that some things about being a girl sucks. I am fairly certain that you know EXACTLY what I am referring to. It is very unwanted haha. But whatever, the joys of being female. From the sounds of it my sister Kyla is dealing with the same thing and takes it out on my mother. Of course she will never admit this to my face. "My mother" is a touchy subject with her. *shrugs* I don't really know how to help with that. Ever since her boyfriend moved out, she gets b****ier with my mom everytime she comes home from seeing him. Hormones I guess. She will grow out of it hopefully, sooner than later I hope. Cause even though my mom frustrates me to no end, I still love her and want to be there for her when she needs me (which seems to be a lot lately). Not the whole give her everything and wait on her hand and foot but yeah like the daughter she can confide in when she's having a rough time and needs someone to talk to :-D I'm pretty good at filling that part.
I ordered ProActiv about a month ago and it JUST came yesterday. Geez, you would think that they would have like EXCESS amounts of this stuff with how often people order it. Yes I am "jumping on the bandwagon" for it just to try it out. I don't need it as much as some but hey *shrugs* why not.
My "big word" for the day = SPLENETIC.
What does it mean? Irritable and spiteful.
just seems to be my mood....towards work that is.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Big TWO-OH!
It is January 24th, 2009. That means that in 66 days I will be 20 years old. Yes 20!
That is just weird for me to think about honestly. I mean I still remember when I was excited about turning 16 and that was 4 years ago. Last night got me thinking how time flies. I was at dinner with one of my very best friend's Megan for her 20th birthday and I decided out of the blue to go spend the night with her last night. Well on the way out there I was listening to "Swing, Swing" by The All-American Rejects and when I turned to her and showed her what I was listening to and said "OLD SCHOOL!!" and she said "Man can you believe that came out 10 years ago?" I sat there and thought about it and was like "man we've been friends for 8 years".
I keep forgetting how long ago I was in middle school.
But that wasn't my point. My point us that I am getting older and it is kind of lurid (means shocking). Not in a bad way by all means. It just means there are more adult things to come. I mean obviously the infamous 21 is next. But big woop. It's like my brother Tommy said "what? so you turn 21. You now get to LEGALLY go to the bars and get hit on by drunks. how thrilling" He was being sarcastic of course. But he really does have a point. Turning 21 doesn't really mean much to me. It's just another year older. But that's a whole nother year down the road.
But yeah I will be 20 is 66 days. Woot! *sarcasm*
What's even better is what's going on in 54 days. ;-)
That is just weird for me to think about honestly. I mean I still remember when I was excited about turning 16 and that was 4 years ago. Last night got me thinking how time flies. I was at dinner with one of my very best friend's Megan for her 20th birthday and I decided out of the blue to go spend the night with her last night. Well on the way out there I was listening to "Swing, Swing" by The All-American Rejects and when I turned to her and showed her what I was listening to and said "OLD SCHOOL!!" and she said "Man can you believe that came out 10 years ago?" I sat there and thought about it and was like "man we've been friends for 8 years".
I keep forgetting how long ago I was in middle school.
But that wasn't my point. My point us that I am getting older and it is kind of lurid (means shocking). Not in a bad way by all means. It just means there are more adult things to come. I mean obviously the infamous 21 is next. But big woop. It's like my brother Tommy said "what? so you turn 21. You now get to LEGALLY go to the bars and get hit on by drunks. how thrilling" He was being sarcastic of course. But he really does have a point. Turning 21 doesn't really mean much to me. It's just another year older. But that's a whole nother year down the road.
But yeah I will be 20 is 66 days. Woot! *sarcasm*
What's even better is what's going on in 54 days. ;-)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
May the Best 'Man' Win (Even if it is aMANda haha)
I was going to call this blog "random blurbing" until I finished writing it and came up with a better one. I realize that 'blurbing' is probably not a word in the dictionary but whatever. I'm me and well deal with my awesome use of random, made-up words. Haven't blogged in awhile and I figured it was time.
While I was over and Mo and Tommy's 3 weeks ago, Mo and I decided to do a "lifestyle change" thing over the next few months before spring break. Why is lifestyle change in quotes? Well cause when I asked "you mean diet right?", we decided that "Lifestyle change" sounded 'prettier' haha. Go figure, we are dorks. So far it has been good. Minus the fact that I didn't really start the FULL swing of it until last weekend. ONE: I didn't have a scale to keep track of it. TWO: I hadn't really started working out and going to my fitness class (which is not scheduled) until this last week. THREE: didn't really have the right foods in my apartment to do so. BUT I have all three of those obstacles overcome and they are all taken care of :-D So far 8lbs. have been shed in the last week :-D. I go to work out for an hour everyday and I have stopped drinking soda, eating sweets, and eating a minimal amount of greasy (yuck) foods. I am really excited that Mo and I decided to do this because I feel like I have someone with me doing it and it is just more motivation to keep doing it! Oh yeah and not to mention I am working on my arm strength cause during Winter Break Tommy pretty much made me realize pretty clearly that I am a weakling. I will probably still lose during Spring Break but I will still talk a bunch of crap and say I WILL WIN!! yeah that's right I said it, WHAT *stands intimidatingly* haha
Another thing that took place this week was my first Chemistry 151 (General Chemistry) test. It was on Wednesday the 14th. Since, I had lab on Thursday we did not get our tests back until Friday. Now I studied pretty hard for the test the night before but I still could not get conversions down. like from "m" to "cm" (i realized that centi = 100 which means 1m = 100cm) or "g" to "lbs". I, also, had difficulties with the charges of certain ionic bonds. I understand them a little better than the conversions but still both are struggles to me. But anyways, that isn't my point, point is that I got a 41 out of 68. I calculated it and it came out to be a 60% :-S which is DEFINITELY NOT a good score. But it is better than I thought I would and when I got my test back I understood exactly what I did wrong and I understand exactly what I need to study before the next test which is in like a week and a half. PLUS my first biology test is I believe the day before that one. But still I have 2 tests in a week and a half.
Speaking of school, I have been looking at the University of Washington's website and getting information about transferring over there. And I looked at cost of attendance and it is about $19,300, which is about $3,000 more than Eastern a year. Which is NOT bad at all!!. That price is WITH me being on my own and paying rent and all that jazz. Well, without having to pay rent or "living expenses" it would cost about $13,300 which is $3,000 CHEAPER that Eastern. So that is definitely good news for me. All I need to do is get official information on which of my classes will transfer over without a problem.
Alrighty, onto my FAVORITE topic as of late. Kind of the icing on this blog 'cake'. SPRING BREAK!!! Anna (:-D), Serena (:-D), and I have all been talking this week about our plans for spring break (hmm wonder what that could be *sarcasm*). Well here it is:
Anna + Amanda (me) = Leave Spokane @ 6:30pm and arrive in Seattle @ 7:35pm March 19th!!
Serena = Leave Spokane @ 1:40pm and arrive in Seattle @ 2:45pm March 21st!!
Serena + Anna = Leave Seattle @ 9:00pm March 25th. ( :( ).
Amanda (me) = Leave Seattle @ 4:00pm March 29th. ( :( ).
Anyways, why are we going to Seattle? hmm I wonder.....let's think about it......hmm..........uh. I have no idea *shifty sketchy eyes*
MO & TOMMY'S PLACE!!
haha. Serena and I have been practicing and will keep practicing songs that are on the Playstation game called SingStar! to practice for the brutal butt beating that we will be doing singing on Spring Break. THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT!! As Serena, Mo, and I have said: "This is SERIOUS business" haha yeah right, when have us three all been serious, pssssh I can't think of it.
Brutal Ass Kicking @ SingStar = March 19th-ish through March 29th-ish!! Be there or be square!
While I was over and Mo and Tommy's 3 weeks ago, Mo and I decided to do a "lifestyle change" thing over the next few months before spring break. Why is lifestyle change in quotes? Well cause when I asked "you mean diet right?", we decided that "Lifestyle change" sounded 'prettier' haha. Go figure, we are dorks. So far it has been good. Minus the fact that I didn't really start the FULL swing of it until last weekend. ONE: I didn't have a scale to keep track of it. TWO: I hadn't really started working out and going to my fitness class (which is not scheduled) until this last week. THREE: didn't really have the right foods in my apartment to do so. BUT I have all three of those obstacles overcome and they are all taken care of :-D So far 8lbs. have been shed in the last week :-D. I go to work out for an hour everyday and I have stopped drinking soda, eating sweets, and eating a minimal amount of greasy (yuck) foods. I am really excited that Mo and I decided to do this because I feel like I have someone with me doing it and it is just more motivation to keep doing it! Oh yeah and not to mention I am working on my arm strength cause during Winter Break Tommy pretty much made me realize pretty clearly that I am a weakling. I will probably still lose during Spring Break but I will still talk a bunch of crap and say I WILL WIN!! yeah that's right I said it, WHAT *stands intimidatingly* haha
Another thing that took place this week was my first Chemistry 151 (General Chemistry) test. It was on Wednesday the 14th. Since, I had lab on Thursday we did not get our tests back until Friday. Now I studied pretty hard for the test the night before but I still could not get conversions down. like from "m" to "cm" (i realized that centi = 100 which means 1m = 100cm) or "g" to "lbs". I, also, had difficulties with the charges of certain ionic bonds. I understand them a little better than the conversions but still both are struggles to me. But anyways, that isn't my point, point is that I got a 41 out of 68. I calculated it and it came out to be a 60% :-S which is DEFINITELY NOT a good score. But it is better than I thought I would and when I got my test back I understood exactly what I did wrong and I understand exactly what I need to study before the next test which is in like a week and a half. PLUS my first biology test is I believe the day before that one. But still I have 2 tests in a week and a half.
Speaking of school, I have been looking at the University of Washington's website and getting information about transferring over there. And I looked at cost of attendance and it is about $19,300, which is about $3,000 more than Eastern a year. Which is NOT bad at all!!. That price is WITH me being on my own and paying rent and all that jazz. Well, without having to pay rent or "living expenses" it would cost about $13,300 which is $3,000 CHEAPER that Eastern. So that is definitely good news for me. All I need to do is get official information on which of my classes will transfer over without a problem.
Alrighty, onto my FAVORITE topic as of late. Kind of the icing on this blog 'cake'. SPRING BREAK!!! Anna (:-D), Serena (:-D), and I have all been talking this week about our plans for spring break (hmm wonder what that could be *sarcasm*). Well here it is:
Anna + Amanda (me) = Leave Spokane @ 6:30pm and arrive in Seattle @ 7:35pm March 19th!!
Serena = Leave Spokane @ 1:40pm and arrive in Seattle @ 2:45pm March 21st!!
Serena + Anna = Leave Seattle @ 9:00pm March 25th. ( :( ).
Amanda (me) = Leave Seattle @ 4:00pm March 29th. ( :( ).
Anyways, why are we going to Seattle? hmm I wonder.....let's think about it......hmm..........uh. I have no idea *shifty sketchy eyes*
MO & TOMMY'S PLACE!!
haha. Serena and I have been practicing and will keep practicing songs that are on the Playstation game called SingStar! to practice for the brutal butt beating that we will be doing singing on Spring Break. THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT!! As Serena, Mo, and I have said: "This is SERIOUS business" haha yeah right, when have us three all been serious, pssssh I can't think of it.
Brutal Ass Kicking @ SingStar = March 19th-ish through March 29th-ish!! Be there or be square!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Organized Chaos
How ironic that I title this entry same as my entire blog...hmm haha. Anyways, in the past week a lot has gone down which is strange because it seems as if things happen too slowly in my life. So this entry is going to be a bit jumbled and I will probably jump back and forth between topics, so bare with me...
RANDY:
As far as this subject goes. I have realized that I am not necessarily IN LOVE with him. But that I just love him. I could never see myself with him due to his current habits that tend to be little pet peeves of mine. For instance, while home all he does is sit around playing video games. Granted he will go out and do stuff, but that stuff is either A. get soda, B. get food, or C. go buy a game, mind you this is besides being asleep or going to work. Keeps talking about going to school but making little to no effort in making that happen so pretty much it seems as if he is at a standstill in life and well I just don't see a future with him working out outside of being close friends. And that works for me. Why complicate a good friendship? Friends are those who will be there with you til the end in the roughest and greatest times. Case closed.
SCHOOL:
School started this week and so far so good. I have been studying every night for a couple hours at a time, minus tonight because I studied for 7 hours yesterday, so I feel I need a break. Work study is easier this quarter because I have a class afterwards so it's not like I can just go home whenever I feel like it, so I figure just pass the time making money. But yes, school is going good thus far.
WORK:
Aside from work study, I still work Old Country Buffet and I still hate it. The job is really easy so it's not the actual job I hate, it's the place of work and the management. It just sucks. Due to school and work study, my schedule only permits me to work Saturdays and Sundays at OCB. Well I told my manager this and well she was just plain b****y about it. She said that I need to be consistent on weekends or she is going to have to find someone else who is. So basically she threatened my job. But whatever I could care less. I have been there 3 years and I feel if I take a weekend off here and there it is no problem but NOOO it is the end of the world if I take the weekend off. Excuse the f*** out of me. Pardon my french. But due to no free time, I really don't have time to find another job. If OCB fires me or "lets me go" then so be it. I can find another job, plus I have work study.
FAMILY:
Those few weekends that I have been taking off from OCB have been because I go and visit my brother, sister (Mo), and nephews over in Tacoma. But I will get to that in a second. My family though is a big issue right now. My mom has been really, really snappy and irritable lately and it is really frustrating because she won't tell me what is wrong with her. She just keeps breathing fire down my neck like an angry dragon. So I have been talking to her less and less as of late due to her irritability. Part of me feels that it has something to do with her relationship. From the sounds of it I guess that her and her bf have been fighting a lot lately and I wonder if it has to do with the fact that she keeps mentioning the "m" word (aka marriage) randomly and well that tends to be where my mom's track record has led her with her past relationships. It is like a broken record playing the same thing over and over again. It's nothing new to me. But the funny thing about it is that it runs in the family and I think it has skipped over me. How do I know this? Well my grandma, mother, and sister (Kyla) all do the same thing. Frequently dating. When one relationship ends, they go immediately into another, leaving no time for recovery or time to process what happened. The last relationship I was in was a year ago and with being single for this year, I have been able to process things and focus on school, which is important to me. I don't feel like I fit in with my biological family like at all it seems. I never feel "at home" when I go visit my mom or when hanging out with them.
"VACATIONS":
Like I said I go visit my brother (Tommy), sister (Mo), and nephews (Elisha, Ashton, Theron, & Ace) for periods of time requiring me to take time off of work. I consider them mini vacations. I feel completely relaxed and at ease and "at home" when I go over there. :-). I feel like I am part of a family when I am there. I feel like I belong when I am with them. According to Tommy I am "Gullible, Witty, and Fun all at the same time". :-) Well I feel the same about them. They are all oodles of fun to be around. And like I said I feel "at home" when I am with them. Which brings me to my next topic.
FUTURE:
Mo and Tommy have mentioned the idea of me moving in with them. Mo more than anything (hehe). Then again I don't blame her considering she is 1 in 6 members that lives in her home, the rest are boys. TONS OF TESTOSTERONE. I feel for her haha. Anyways, ever since they have mentioned it, I have seriously considered it. And well I do want to go to University of Washington for Medical School when it comes time. And with everything starting to stress me out as of late and putting me at unease, I have considered the idea EVEN MORE! The things I need to figure out are school, finances, and transportation. But eventually I will end up over in the Seattle/Tacoma area. It is just a matter of time. I really do want to move over there. I just have a few obstacles to overcome, physical and personal.
SPRING BREAK:
I pretty much just can't wait to be at Mo & Tommy's for NINE DAYS!!! That's all on that subject hehe.
RANDY:
As far as this subject goes. I have realized that I am not necessarily IN LOVE with him. But that I just love him. I could never see myself with him due to his current habits that tend to be little pet peeves of mine. For instance, while home all he does is sit around playing video games. Granted he will go out and do stuff, but that stuff is either A. get soda, B. get food, or C. go buy a game, mind you this is besides being asleep or going to work. Keeps talking about going to school but making little to no effort in making that happen so pretty much it seems as if he is at a standstill in life and well I just don't see a future with him working out outside of being close friends. And that works for me. Why complicate a good friendship? Friends are those who will be there with you til the end in the roughest and greatest times. Case closed.
SCHOOL:
School started this week and so far so good. I have been studying every night for a couple hours at a time, minus tonight because I studied for 7 hours yesterday, so I feel I need a break. Work study is easier this quarter because I have a class afterwards so it's not like I can just go home whenever I feel like it, so I figure just pass the time making money. But yes, school is going good thus far.
WORK:
Aside from work study, I still work Old Country Buffet and I still hate it. The job is really easy so it's not the actual job I hate, it's the place of work and the management. It just sucks. Due to school and work study, my schedule only permits me to work Saturdays and Sundays at OCB. Well I told my manager this and well she was just plain b****y about it. She said that I need to be consistent on weekends or she is going to have to find someone else who is. So basically she threatened my job. But whatever I could care less. I have been there 3 years and I feel if I take a weekend off here and there it is no problem but NOOO it is the end of the world if I take the weekend off. Excuse the f*** out of me. Pardon my french. But due to no free time, I really don't have time to find another job. If OCB fires me or "lets me go" then so be it. I can find another job, plus I have work study.
FAMILY:
Those few weekends that I have been taking off from OCB have been because I go and visit my brother, sister (Mo), and nephews over in Tacoma. But I will get to that in a second. My family though is a big issue right now. My mom has been really, really snappy and irritable lately and it is really frustrating because she won't tell me what is wrong with her. She just keeps breathing fire down my neck like an angry dragon. So I have been talking to her less and less as of late due to her irritability. Part of me feels that it has something to do with her relationship. From the sounds of it I guess that her and her bf have been fighting a lot lately and I wonder if it has to do with the fact that she keeps mentioning the "m" word (aka marriage) randomly and well that tends to be where my mom's track record has led her with her past relationships. It is like a broken record playing the same thing over and over again. It's nothing new to me. But the funny thing about it is that it runs in the family and I think it has skipped over me. How do I know this? Well my grandma, mother, and sister (Kyla) all do the same thing. Frequently dating. When one relationship ends, they go immediately into another, leaving no time for recovery or time to process what happened. The last relationship I was in was a year ago and with being single for this year, I have been able to process things and focus on school, which is important to me. I don't feel like I fit in with my biological family like at all it seems. I never feel "at home" when I go visit my mom or when hanging out with them.
"VACATIONS":
Like I said I go visit my brother (Tommy), sister (Mo), and nephews (Elisha, Ashton, Theron, & Ace) for periods of time requiring me to take time off of work. I consider them mini vacations. I feel completely relaxed and at ease and "at home" when I go over there. :-). I feel like I am part of a family when I am there. I feel like I belong when I am with them. According to Tommy I am "Gullible, Witty, and Fun all at the same time". :-) Well I feel the same about them. They are all oodles of fun to be around. And like I said I feel "at home" when I am with them. Which brings me to my next topic.
FUTURE:
Mo and Tommy have mentioned the idea of me moving in with them. Mo more than anything (hehe). Then again I don't blame her considering she is 1 in 6 members that lives in her home, the rest are boys. TONS OF TESTOSTERONE. I feel for her haha. Anyways, ever since they have mentioned it, I have seriously considered it. And well I do want to go to University of Washington for Medical School when it comes time. And with everything starting to stress me out as of late and putting me at unease, I have considered the idea EVEN MORE! The things I need to figure out are school, finances, and transportation. But eventually I will end up over in the Seattle/Tacoma area. It is just a matter of time. I really do want to move over there. I just have a few obstacles to overcome, physical and personal.
SPRING BREAK:
I pretty much just can't wait to be at Mo & Tommy's for NINE DAYS!!! That's all on that subject hehe.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)