So Serena went back home yesterday and last night I kind of just kept to myself in my room. Originally because the movie downstairs was giving me a headache so I just went upstairs. And I could only sit in silence for so long before my brain started mulling over things in my life. Mainly, my love life, or lack there of-ish. Now if you know me, there is no need for me telling you that I preach that you can be happy independent and don't need to have a man to be happy in life. (No I am not a lesbian, that just means that you can be happy single). Well, I was at a low point last night thinking about my being single and why that is. I was feeling lonely, after having listened to other friends gushing about their relationships and being happy and sharing that happiness with someone else and how awesome it is.
As I said, I am an advocate that you can survive and be happy without being dependent on a man. My mother seems to think the opposite but that's a story I won't get into just yet. But anyways, yes I was having a human moment. I had thought about all of my friends in their relationships and they seem to be happy. I see Mo and Tommy affectionate with each other and I get all sappy about it on the inside. Now I am 20 years old and I understand that I have my whole life ahead of me to have my happy ending (har har no not that). I didn't want to say fairy tale ending because nothing in life is really "fairy tale".
Moving on. In the process of my thinking, I came across a huge breakthrough in my eyes. Now while I have been in love with my best friend, Randy, for the past 5 years. I really truly realized and saw something (figuratively of course). For these past 5 years, he's been "chasing" after this girl named Karla who has known that he likes her for forever. But she has always had a boyfriend so that was an obvious obstacle. Well, apparently she broke up with her boyfriend and now she is single, and her and Randy have been hanging out a lot lately and whatnot. No biggy right. Well, one of his best guy friends informed me the other day about how all these years she's been taking the fact that he's wrapped around her finger to her advantage and just leading him on and whatnot. Well, with the boyfriend problem out of the way, I am sure he is pretty happy about it. What does this have to do with me? Well...
If you have ever seen the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, I am sure you remember the seen where Michael (Dermot Mulroney) is chasing after Kimmy (Cameron Diaz), while Julianne (Julia Roberts) is chasing after Michael. Then, during the chase Julianne is on the phone with her best friend George (Rupert Everett) who makes her realize that no one is chasing after her and that her chasing Michael is a lost cause; basically not meant to be. How does this all come into play? Well, change the names from Michael to Randy, from Kimmy to Karla and from Julianne to Amanda (me). Except for the fact that I don't have a friend named George or anyone who helped me realize this breakthrough except for myself and my love for that freaking movie :-P
While texting with my friend Sian last night, I sent her the following epiphany that formed in my head while thinking things through:
"Yeah but see I've been 'chasing' him all these years while he's been 'chasing' Karla. Which basically has held me back from trying to date anyone else cause he's always been the guy in my life. And honestly I think we waited too long to do anything physical for it to turn into anything more than a friendship. I need to try and date other people. He'll be my guy best friend always I'm sure but I honestly don't forsee it going anywhere and I hate when I get to this point because he always bounces back when I lose interest. Just this time if he does it won't end up with me chasing him again (I hope.)."
And to be honest, I am tired of doing all this pointless chasing. I miss when it was just us being a male and female best friend to each other. I remember just chatting with him while I was dating other people and that was nice. I need to put him back into the friend category and leave him put there. And it is true that he bounces back when I lose interest and frankly I am tired of it because after a couple days of him "bouncing back" he ends up losing the interest, or so it seems. And it is true that we waited too long to do anything physical. I was too chicken and selfconscious and paranoid of what he thought ever since the day I met him that I never thought I was good enough for him. So i just stood on the sidelines and watched as he crushed and swooned over other girls, who for some reason I befriended them all.
If I stop thinking about what it could potentially be like in a relationship with him and just remain a friendship with him and only see him as a friend and nothing more, I shall be perfectly ok. I just need to fall out of love with my best friend. I've been in denial for forever about it all and even my friends and family telling me that it's really not worth it if I am not getting as much out of the relationship I have with him as I am giving. And believe me, I do a lot for him, just to try and impress him in my mind. Doesn't work.
Can't make a blind man see.