Can't Make A Blind Man See

So Serena went back home yesterday and last night I kind of just kept to myself in my room. Originally because the movie downstairs was giving me a headache so I just went upstairs. And I could only sit in silence for so long before my brain started mulling over things in my life. Mainly, my love life, or lack there of-ish. Now if you know me, there is no need for me telling you that I preach that you can be happy independent and don't need to have a man to be happy in life. (No I am not a lesbian, that just means that you can be happy single). Well, I was at a low point last night thinking about my being single and why that is. I was feeling lonely, after having listened to other friends gushing about their relationships and being happy and sharing that happiness with someone else and how awesome it is.

As I said, I am an advocate that you can survive and be happy without being dependent on a man. My mother seems to think the opposite but that's a story I won't get into just yet. But anyways, yes I was having a human moment. I had thought about all of my friends in their relationships and they seem to be happy. I see Mo and Tommy affectionate with each other and I get all sappy about it on the inside. Now I am 20 years old and I understand that I have my whole life ahead of me to have my happy ending (har har no not that). I didn't want to say fairy tale ending because nothing in life is really "fairy tale".

Moving on. In the process of my thinking, I came across a huge breakthrough in my eyes. Now while I have been in love with my best friend, Randy, for the past 5 years. I really truly realized and saw something (figuratively of course). For these past 5 years, he's been "chasing" after this girl named Karla who has known that he likes her for forever. But she has always had a boyfriend so that was an obvious obstacle. Well, apparently she broke up with her boyfriend and now she is single, and her and Randy have been hanging out a lot lately and whatnot. No biggy right. Well, one of his best guy friends informed me the other day about how all these years she's been taking the fact that he's wrapped around her finger to her advantage and just leading him on and whatnot. Well, with the boyfriend problem out of the way, I am sure he is pretty happy about it. What does this have to do with me? Well...

If you have ever seen the movie My Best Friend's Wedding, I am sure you remember the seen where Michael (Dermot Mulroney) is chasing after Kimmy (Cameron Diaz), while Julianne (Julia Roberts) is chasing after Michael. Then, during the chase Julianne is on the phone with her best friend George (Rupert Everett) who makes her realize that no one is chasing after her and that her chasing Michael is a lost cause; basically not meant to be. How does this all come into play? Well, change the names from Michael to Randy, from Kimmy to Karla and from Julianne to Amanda (me). Except for the fact that I don't have a friend named George or anyone who helped me realize this breakthrough except for myself and my love for that freaking movie :-P

While texting with my friend Sian last night, I sent her the following epiphany that formed in my head while thinking things through:

"Yeah but see I've been 'chasing' him all these years while he's been 'chasing' Karla. Which basically has held me back from trying to date anyone else cause he's always been the guy in my life. And honestly I think we waited too long to do anything physical for it to turn into anything more than a friendship. I need to try and date other people. He'll be my guy best friend always I'm sure but I honestly don't forsee it going anywhere and I hate when I get to this point because he always bounces back when I lose interest. Just this time if he does it won't end up with me chasing him again (I hope.)."

And to be honest, I am tired of doing all this pointless chasing. I miss when it was just us being a male and female best friend to each other. I remember just chatting with him while I was dating other people and that was nice. I need to put him back into the friend category and leave him put there. And it is true that he bounces back when I lose interest and frankly I am tired of it because after a couple days of him "bouncing back" he ends up losing the interest, or so it seems. And it is true that we waited too long to do anything physical. I was too chicken and selfconscious and paranoid of what he thought ever since the day I met him that I never thought I was good enough for him. So i just stood on the sidelines and watched as he crushed and swooned over other girls, who for some reason I befriended them all.

If I stop thinking about what it could potentially be like in a relationship with him and just remain a friendship with him and only see him as a friend and nothing more, I shall be perfectly ok. I just need to fall out of love with my best friend. I've been in denial for forever about it all and even my friends and family telling me that it's really not worth it if I am not getting as much out of the relationship I have with him as I am giving. And believe me, I do a lot for him, just to try and impress him in my mind. Doesn't work.

Can't make a blind man see.

Summer Vacation!

So far I have been at Mo and Tommys for 4 days. Today would be the fifth day and I am having a blast...even with the kids driving us insane at time :-P Serena comes over today :-D I am excited. I love having multiple people over here hanging out.

Ooooh and a few days ago I bought my tickets for the Blink 182, Taking Back Sunday, Weezer, and Chester French show that is on September 10th. I am way excited. Mo bought Tommy a ticket to go with me for Father's day :-D I am way excited. Sian and her boyfriend are going too. It will be a blast!.

And not to mention that the No Doubt & Paramore show is next month on the 19th!! Yep those are basically the only 2 shows that I am going to this summer cause if I go to more then it will just kill the energy that I will have at those 2 big concerts!! AMAZING!

Anywho just hanging out and just killing time before out guests get here for the amazing dinner that we made :-D

All Growed Up

My little Seester is all growed up :-P She graduated yesterday from Rogers High School and I am oh so proud of her for working so hard to finish on time and be as successful as she should be :). She is going to go to SCC next year which makes me more proud of her for having a plan for next school year :)

Summer Funds

So with my current increase in hours at OCB, I have been pretty good as far as money goes. I make about $450 every 2 weeks but when school gets out, i will be making about $600 every 2 weeks with working 40 hours a week.

Well this past week my work study boss informed me that I am eligible to get work study over the summer and I could use it without having summer classes. I currently make $10.25 and hour there and that is very helpful along with my OCB checks for bills and saving money. Well during the summer, instead of only being able to work 20 hours a week at work study, I'd be working 40 hours a week.

I did the calculations right and during the summer I would be making a total of $2,824 a month if I worked 40 hours a week at OCB and 40 hours a week at work study. That would seriously be amazing, I wouldn't be strapped for cash at all.

My bills consist of:
$225 - rent
$30 - Comcast
$40 - Avista
$100 - Verizon
$50 - Discover
$20 - AE

All this is per month. I have been really good about saving money as of lately. :)

Just means more money towards saving for a car :-P

Weighing the Pros and Cons

So I have been living with Randy for the past 8 months and our lease to the apartment that we are in is up at the end of July. Well Jessi (his sis) was supposed to move down to Lewiston with their mom in like November or December but Walmart is asking her to stay up here. The other night she called me up and told me this and said that I am the only person she trusts enough to room with, and asked me if I would be her roommate even though she knows that I had already discussed signing a new lease with Randy when this lease is up. So I made a list of pros and cons and I am still having difficulty deciding what to do because I don't want to upset either one of them

Pros:
Randy:
Drama free
If he stays in the same apt great for work and school.
Pays rent and bills on time
I know how he is to live with

Jessi:
Won’t get woken up in the middle of the night by noise.
Rides
Pays rent and bills on time
Cleans
Buys groceries
Won’t be walked over.

Cons:
Randy:
Insults.
Awake in the middle of the night
Have to clean up after the boys
Doesn’t buy groceries
Walked over.

Jessi:
Location.
May have to babysit a lot
$150 increase in rent

Lazy

I am still working on my blog to explain my situation with Randy. I've just been really lazy about it. It's 4 1/2 years of history I am getting down onto paper. I really wish I could find my journals that I used to write in at the beginning of getting to know him. Hmm..I will have to look for those. They're a hoot.

So once I'm done being lazy I will have it up haha.

btw FOUR DAY til SPRING BREAK!!

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates...You Never Know What You're Gonna Get

Well it certainly has been awhile since I posted a blog. Almost a month, wowzers. So what's new in Amanda's life. Well I was sick for about a week with an upper respiratory infection. Yeah that sucked. Was out of school and work for a week. Lameness if you ask me. My sister ended up getting sick so I covered her shifts at work, thus making up my missed hours, thankfully.

School is going alright. Chemistry is difficult but the PLUS group helps explain and reiterate things which is what I need, I learned. If I am taught something twice in a short amount of time, I can usually understand it for the most part. The teacher ended up cancelling class the week that I ended up missing from being sick so that was a blessing in my opinion. But due to class being cancelled he ended up cancelling 2 tests and now all we have left is the final which will be cumulative but only on the last 4 chapters instead of all 9, thankfully. But I know I am not going to get a very good grade in my opinion so I am retaking the course next quarter at 8:00 in the morning.....YUCK! Biology is going alright. I mean I am doing better in it that I was last year so that is definitely a good sign. If you didn't know, Biology is another course I am currently taking as a retake this quarter. I think the only reason I am having a difficult time in Biology is the fact that this course seems to be more about animals, which is of NO use to me considering I am not going to be a vet. But it is a general biology series that is required for a Pre-Med major, so what do I do? Take the course. Film is the easiest class I have. I have missed a few classes in which he takes attendance but I should pull a 3.0 or better in that class. Fast fitness I'll get a 4.0 easily.

Homelife isn't going too bad. The last couple of days have been Randy's days off and him, Cody, and Bryan usually hang out then. Well, me being the one who has the busy schedule that I can't really socialize much ended up saying "eff it I want to hang out" so I hung out with them. As you know boys will be boys. They are all sarcastic and throw out random comments. One that seems to be a favorite is regarding oral. And usually I am like "oh yeah well f*** you." Yeah sometimes I get pretty vulgar with my language when random comments like "blow me" get thrown out there. Anywho that's not my point or where I'm going with this. Over the years Randy and I have discussed subjects like that seriously, especially when the whole Chuck E. Cheese and Steven incident occurred. Basically he got jealous that it wasn't him. Which I can understand why he'd be upset about it considering he has been my best guy friend for the past 4 years and well there have been times where we both have had feelings for each other, just never pursued them due to the fear of ruining our friendship. But with the past couple of days with him making comments like that, instead of freaking out I just flat out looked him in the eye and said "ok". He was taken aback by it, which was my intention because surprise is usually what I go for haha. It was basically me brushing their comments off, then we got into another serious discussion about it....over text message due to the fact that Cody and Bryan were around. I mean obviously it started off as a joke but then turned serious again. See that is the one level we have never explored in the 4 years that we have been friends. There is so much more to it though. We watched Zack & Miri Make a Porno last night and that movie shows it so well. The 2 main characters are best friends (a guy & a girl) who have never had sex or done anything in the department with each other. Well they are completely broke and have no money and in order to make money they make an attempt and putting together a group to create an adult film. Well they also decided to make a 'business decision' to have sex on that adult film and both promised each other that things wouldn't get weird or different afterwards. Well, if you've seen it, you know that things did end up getting weird and their friendship changed completely. I mean in the end they ended up together but that's not my point. My point is that sex complicates things, and not only that I feel it's something that should be for when you are in a relationship with someone and not just a random thing to do. I don't really know how to flat out state my point honestly. I think at this point I am just rambling on stuff. But Randy and I have discussed the area of dating and we both believe we are too good of friends to do that. There is more to it and you have to know the whole history of us to understand what and how I am trying to explain this. Part of the reason I followed through with the Steven situation was because I wanted to obviously see what it was like, and I think part of me wanted to see how Randy would react to me doing something like that with another guy when we have discussed something like that before. I don't really know where I am going with this. Anywho new subject.

Spring Break is coming up. Two weeks and one day. I am soooooo excited. That is 15 DAYS!! So much to do in those 10 days over there. It'll be awesome. Only 15 more days and I have freedom for 10 :-D. My 20th birthday is also 27 days from now but that really isn't important to me. I want to do something for it but I think we're going to do somethinf for my birthday while I'm at Mo & Tommy's :-D

Anywho that's the update in my life so far. I'll keep you posted.

The Soap Opera Called Amanda's Life

So since my last post, things between my mother haven't been good like at all. It just got worse with each passing day. It got to the point on Friday that I just couldn't take it anymore. I ended up working out so hard at the gym I almost passed out. Pretty bad I know, I never realize how much harder I work out when I am upset.

Well, to my surprise, Mo texted me and asked me if I wanted to come over for the weekend. I seriously thought she was joking with me. The usual "you know, you have a place over here that you can move too, there are schools here hehe" or "how about you hurry up and get here lol" Not in those exact words, those are just off the top of my head, but you get the picture. But no she was dead serious. I called and was like "uh yeah I can't really afford something like that" long story short, they knew I was having a difficult time and they flew me out to their place for the weekend. I called in "sick" to work for the weekend and just up and left. Man it was a much needed and much enjoyed break from life here. Unfortunately to end a good weekend, I went back home to what I am now referring to as my hell.

Mom had picked me up. It was seriously the most awkward car ride I have ever had with my mother. Dead silent for almost the entire time. She started asking me questions and stuff, again pushing issues that I was not yet ready to talk about. So much has happened this past week regarding my mother, almost too much to spill out about on here. But anyways, yes dealing with my mother is difficult, and I am having dinner with her at 6pm on Tuesday at Tomato Street to try and explain to her why I am upset by her actions. She seems to think it is pointless, which in turn makes me think she's not willing to try considering she said "what's the point" when I asked her about it. But my theory is that if I put myself out there and explain my side rationally as an adult and be the bigger person in the situation, I won't have the regret or guilt on my shoulders of not trying to fix things. I am not ashamed of how I feel and I do not want to hide it. That's just not me.

Things with Serena are good. Thank goodness, cause she has saved me through so much. I am truly grateful to have a friend like her, no matter how frustrated I can get with her. :)

Roommates...well. hmm. How do I go about this subject. Well, they keep me up at night being loud and obnoxious playing video games while I am trying to get a good night's sleep before school the next day. I am insulted constantly, whether they be "women" jokes, or fat jokes, or whatever. (those happen to be the popular ones). Randy doesn't clean AT ALL. Cody STILL doesn't have a job. Bryan, well he does neither, but he doesn't technically live here. He DOES however contribute to the loudness at night when I am trying to sleep. My food is eaten constantly. Not so much now as it was a couple months ago. That could be because I b****ed about it because I cannot afford to pay for food for 3 let alone 2 other people. I do get Chuck E. Cheese comments thrown at me here and there, but that is my fault for telling them at all what happened. Usually I just act like the comment doesn't affect me and they tend to shut up. But yeah pretty much, that's the life of me here in this apartment. Don't really know what to do.

School, it's going pretty good. Chemistry could be better and Biology is better than last year. Film is easy. Fast fitness is bomb!

Work, both jobs are going fantastic...ish.

Anyways, Spring Break is in officially 5 weeks and I am so ready for it. 10 days out of this hellhole.

This is all scrambled together I know, but just getting my thoughts out there.

"And Even When Your Hope Is Gone. Move Along Move Along Just To Make It Through. Move Along. Move Along"

Bare with me I am about to spout off in a direction that has many different pathways and I have no idea how it is going to come out or how profane it may come across but here it is:

August 2006. What is important about this month? Well my mother divorced probably the worst guy she has ever dated/married in all that I have known her. His name was Eric and to put it bluntly he was the biggest asshole I have ever known in my life. The funny thing is that I am no longer mad at him. In fact I don't know if I was ever really mad at HIM and not my Mom. My mother basically let him replace my dad and I really resent her for that. Always trying to get me to call him dad even though she knew I never would be ok with that. I remember a couple times that she let him ground me for a month for absolutely nothing. This isn't the attitude of a typical rebellious child against the parents, this is fact. She has even admitted it recently. I don't think I have ever felt so much disrespect from someone besides him. And once again, my mother just sat on the sidelines just watching this happen and didn't do anything to prevent it. And along with the disrespect to me he disrespected my mother and she just took it, so as far as that goes I don't really feel sorry for her sadly because she just dealt with it. She didn't do anything to prevent THAT either. There were countless nights that my sister and I were unable to go to sleep because they had yelling battles back and forth.

Now here comes the part that pisses me off most about my mother. She would come to me asking me how I really feel about who she is dating. When I told her that I thoroughly loath, not hate, LOATH Eric for how disrespectful he is to her, Kyla, AND I, she basically brushed it off like it was nothing and AGAIN did NOTHING about it. And when I told her how I felt about the situation and that I am not the only one feeling that way at the time, she would use the response "I don't want to hear it" every single time that I would express my opinion that she ASKED for. If you don't want to "hear my opinion" then don't fucking ask for it.

She was with Eric for I believe 3 years and after divorcing him she dated her old high school sweetheart, Howard, for awhile until she realized that they would only be good as friends. And when they broke up, my mom was upset. But again I don't really feel sorry for her considering I told her that I thought being single for a while would be good for her. I don't remember how long she stayed single before she got with Howard. They were together a few months and this is where the "is he a good father figure" questions started with her. Howard was cool I'm not going to lie, but no one can replace my father. And I could also tell that Howard and my mother were not really maritally compatible. I, once again, gave my mom the "Being Single Is Ok" speech and I thought she had gotten the hint for awhile until about a month after Howard and her broke up, Eric came over and I immediately went to my room and didn't come out until he left. My mom tried figuring out what my problem was, she was pretty much playing dumb, which I hate that. She knew very well why I was upset about him coming over. But wait it doesn't stop there. I think it was maybe a week or two weeks tops, he came over again, and once again, I went immediately in my room. My mom sat us down with Eric in the same room and I wouldn't look at him. She told us that they were going to try dating again and I got pissed and went to my room. And as I suspected, the fighting and yelling began again after they were dating for awhile and when they finally broke up for good I threw an "I told you so" type comment to her. And once again, didn't feel sorry for her because she put herself in a situation that we all had warned her about.

I have become even more distant with her since then. That is where the distance between us started because she basically fucked over our mother-daughter bond with ignoring my feelings and my warnings to her about the situation with Eric. She continues her dating habits. She doesn't really wait very long to jump into another relationship. I think the last time I told her that it was ok to be single her response was "I'm afraid to be alone". She has become so dependent on her relationships that she tries to solidify with the guys she dates, and they have been failed attempts. I hate sounding so harsh but the truth hurts and she doesn't seem to see it.

Ok now to the most current issue. Last night's dinner which was supposed to be a nice night out that Kyla and I paid for for the family turned disasterous. Mom, Kyla, and I hung out for a couple hours before going to dinner. Now earlier in the day Steve (my mom's new beau) had decided that he didn't want to go to dinner, which was fine, we would just have a girls day with my mom, sister, grandma, and grandma's friend. I thought it would be a nice evening out. Well as it got closer to 6 o'clock, which was when we decided to go to dinner, Steve started calling more frequently changing his mind about whether or not he was going to go to dinner with us. I was seriously thinking "I don't want him there if he is just going to keep being indecisive about whether or not he wants to even go to dinner at all." Well he did end up coming to dinner....but beforehand my mother and I had to go pick him up from his friend's house. On the way there I told my mom that she blocks everyone whenever she is talking to Steve and she tried telling me that she does that when she's talking to us, which is not true. And she looks at me and said "If you have a problem with Steve, you need to tell me right now."

I said "I don't have a problem with Steve. I have a problem with the drinking and....."
She didn't let me finish saying what I wanted which was "...the unemployment". She turned around and said "he doesn't drink all the time. In the last 2 days he's drank maybe two times. Everyone says he drinks all the times but...."
I said "Everytime I see him he either has a beer in his hand or he is drunk"
She stopped talking about it then because we had gotten to his friend's house and she went inside to get him. I think the top two traits my mom looks for in a guy is alcoholism and unemployment, I swear cause that's how almost all of her boyfriends have been.

While she was inside I called Mo and vented a little about what had happened earlier in the day. But it was maybe a 5 minute conversation because my mom and Steve had come back outside. As soon as Steve got in the car, he reeked of alcohol and he was slurring. I just kept rolling my eyes all the way to the Olive Garden. But when he got in the car he was like "Hey honey." Which weirds me out everytime he says something like that, ESPECIALLY when he's drunk. On the car ride to the Olive Garden he kept messing with the radio like you would expect a 12 year old to do. And my mom was getting frustrated with him for doing so and he still wouldn't stop.

Anyways we got downtown, and this day I decided to wear heels that day, and we got out of the car. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steve giving me the up and down look and it weirded me out. And then at one point I heard him go "mm-mm" right in front of my mom and she just let it happen. Eeeewwww! So as we got closer to the restaurant, I was rushing to get inside and get away from Steve.

So we all got inside and were seated, and we all started looking through our menus.........except for Steve. We all nudged him about looking at his menu and his response was "I'd rather be at home. I don't want to fucking eat here. You're fucking wasting your money" And every other word was a cuss word. I finally had had enough with it and said "Steve stop. There are children sitting at the next table and this is a family restaurant. Be kind and courteous." All he said was that he didn't fucking care. Which pissed me off more so I just buried my face in my menu and slid down my chair a little. My mom and him finally went outside and my sister, grandma and her friend all were talking about how ridiculous it was that he was there and that mom should have taken him home. My mom ended up coming back to the table first and we all told her that he needed to go home and she said "ENOUGH. I don't need this." And we all went back to ordering our food. Steve ended up coming back and STILL wouldn't order, which made my sister and I feel insulted because here we are using our hard earned cash to pay for a nice family dinner and he won't accept it. He complained all through dinner that he didn't want to be there. So needless to say, my sister and I both went home pissed.

I didn't get much sleep last night because of how upset I was, even after venting to Mo. She helped a lot and I am so grateful to have her and Tommy in my life to help me get through rough times like this in my life. She told me I should tell my mom how I feel about it, and I was planning on it, even though I knew the end result would be the same, she wouldn't want to hear it. So this morning this was the conversation:

Me: Morning
Mom: good morning honey--thank you for dinner last night it was wonderful.
Me: Yep.
Mom: Are you mad at me?
Me: More frustrated than mad. Mad is too harsh.
Mom: Okay then talk to me...
Me: Ok. Last night was BS and you know it. He should have gone home and dinner was ruined and kyla and I feel insult and hurt by the way he acted last night and don't appreciate it.
Mom: I thought things got better after Steve and I went outside and talked. Apparently I am wrong.
Me: Yeah. Maybe things got better between you two arguing between you guys wise but no it was not better.
Mom: No one ever wants to see the bigger picture. They only see bits and pieces. It won't happen again.
Me: We'll see about that. I'm not holding back like I always do with you. Just being honest.
Mom: And it's because of comments like that. We're not doing that again.
Me: wow.

And that was the conversation and I haven't spoken to her since. I ended up crying on the way home from school while talking to Mo. I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom doesn't see how much she is pushing me even further away with stuff like that, the "holier than thow" attitude that everyone is wrong about the situation in her eyes. I decided that I am not going to hold back anymore with my mom. I am done hiding how I feel about the things she does and giving her the answers she wants to hear. I decided that I am distancing myself away from my mom for awhile, maybe she will get the picture that things have not changed since Eric and realize that her dating habits are unhealthy. There is so much more that I could add to this blog but it wouldn't make sense and I just don't want to dig into that. But I have decided that I am not going to speak to my mother for awhile. She just sent me "Just let me know when you are done being pissed off at me. Will give you space until then" And again she thinks that it's not her fault. She doesn't get it and I am not going to spell it out for her.

And she wonders why I go see Mo and Tommy as often as I do, besides the fact that I want to see them duh! But I don't have to deal with what my mom puts me through over there.

These are some songs I was listening to while writing this:
The All-American Rejects "Move Along" This song is my theme song to life
Rise Against "Prayer of the Refugee"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Navigate Me"
Underoath "It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door"
Anberlin "Time & Confusion"
The Used "Paralyzed"
Bloodhound Gang "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo"
The Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Teasing To Please"
Motion City Soundtrack "Fell In Love Without You"
The Audition "Don't Be So Hard"
Underoath "You're Ever So Inviting"
The Used "Buried Myself Alive"
Finch "What It Is To Burn"
Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved"
Saosin "It's Far Better To Learn"

SPRING BREAK COUNTDOWN: 6 weeks.

Changes. Or New Beginnings.

Interesting title to call a blog I suppose. Sounds like it is going to be one of those New Year's Resolution blogs eh? haha far from. Well kind of. haha

So in the past 3 weeks I have lost 10 pounds and I am super proud of myself for sticking to my "lifestyle changes" plan. (AKA diet). Still no red meat which I am really proud of myself for sticking to considering I LOOOOOOVE steak. BUT I plan on cooking a big steak dinner March 19th :-D

The above image is me with my new hair. I went and got my hair cut on Friday after school. Got more noticable layers, bangs and got it thinned out and trimmed about an inch. It definitely feels lighter. But that's not all. I also dyed it two different colors as you can see. Lighter blonde on top that has a reddish tint to it for some reason. I blame the genes I got from my mother's side of the family because they have the reddish hair lol. Still looks cool. And the bottom layer is dark brown. At first when I dyed it I had a lighter brown and darker blonde so you couldn't really tell that I had dyed it. But this is the final product of it.

I was planning on getting new glasses on Friday but due to the fact that my mother chose a difficult insurance company, I am having a hard time finding a place that will accept it. So my mom and I are going to go to Sears next week and get glasses. It has been about 3 years since my last eye appt so I think it is definitely time for me to get new glasses. The lens I have are all scratched up. Not broken but scratched. Plus I want new glasses for my new look.

The only thing right now that makes me look like I have a new look is my hair and my mom and grandma have noticed that I have been slowly thinning out. I have a few other ideas that I plan to go through with but that isn't until Spring Break. I plan on getting my spiffy cool tattoo on my left foot. Musical related. lots and lots of music notes that's for sure. And I also want to get the bottom left part of my lip pierced (your right side if you're looking at me). plus I would also like another part of my ear pierced. Maybe the upper part of my right ear to balance out the piercings on my head. If that makes sense. haha

My computer works thankfully. Turns out putting it on hibernate or standby all the time is bad for it. I would have never guessed. haha. My charger shorted out so I had to spend $100 to replace it. Which is fine by me, technology can be spendy but it is helpful especially when you're in college.

Anywho I don't really have much else to say. That's the update. oooo new music

Breathe Carolina "The Birds & the Bees"
Lady Gaga "Poker Face" ---- Mo you will love this one
Cute Is What We Aim For "Practice Makes Perfect"
All American Rejects "Gives You Hell"
Fall Out Boy "I Don't Care"
The Killers "Human"
Carolina Liar "I'm Not Over"
The Used "The Bird & The Worm"
Meg & Dia "Black Wedding"
Alkaline Trio "Time To Waste"
The Actual "Dancing On The Perimeter"
The Academy Is... "About A Girl"

Just some of the stuff I have been listening to lately :)

Oh yeah I got a new phone btw. The LG Voyager. Pretty fricken Sweet if you ask me.

Word of the day: Adroit (means expert or Skillful)

final note: 44 days til Spring Break. Woo!

Study Break!!

I have been studying Biology since I got home about 3 or 4 hours ago. And I still plan to study it more after I get done messing around online. I have a test on Tuesday and I would like to do really well on it. So studying away I do...that statement didn't make sense...hmm oh well. That's me. Not making sense.

Every month I come to the conclusion that some things about being a girl sucks. I am fairly certain that you know EXACTLY what I am referring to. It is very unwanted haha. But whatever, the joys of being female. From the sounds of it my sister Kyla is dealing with the same thing and takes it out on my mother. Of course she will never admit this to my face. "My mother" is a touchy subject with her. *shrugs* I don't really know how to help with that. Ever since her boyfriend moved out, she gets b****ier with my mom everytime she comes home from seeing him. Hormones I guess. She will grow out of it hopefully, sooner than later I hope. Cause even though my mom frustrates me to no end, I still love her and want to be there for her when she needs me (which seems to be a lot lately). Not the whole give her everything and wait on her hand and foot but yeah like the daughter she can confide in when she's having a rough time and needs someone to talk to :-D I'm pretty good at filling that part.

I ordered ProActiv about a month ago and it JUST came yesterday. Geez, you would think that they would have like EXCESS amounts of this stuff with how often people order it. Yes I am "jumping on the bandwagon" for it just to try it out. I don't need it as much as some but hey *shrugs* why not.

My "big word" for the day = SPLENETIC.
What does it mean? Irritable and spiteful.

just seems to be my mood....towards work that is.

The Big TWO-OH!

It is January 24th, 2009. That means that in 66 days I will be 20 years old. Yes 20!
That is just weird for me to think about honestly. I mean I still remember when I was excited about turning 16 and that was 4 years ago. Last night got me thinking how time flies. I was at dinner with one of my very best friend's Megan for her 20th birthday and I decided out of the blue to go spend the night with her last night. Well on the way out there I was listening to "Swing, Swing" by The All-American Rejects and when I turned to her and showed her what I was listening to and said "OLD SCHOOL!!" and she said "Man can you believe that came out 10 years ago?" I sat there and thought about it and was like "man we've been friends for 8 years".
I keep forgetting how long ago I was in middle school.

But that wasn't my point. My point us that I am getting older and it is kind of lurid (means shocking). Not in a bad way by all means. It just means there are more adult things to come. I mean obviously the infamous 21 is next. But big woop. It's like my brother Tommy said "what? so you turn 21. You now get to LEGALLY go to the bars and get hit on by drunks. how thrilling" He was being sarcastic of course. But he really does have a point. Turning 21 doesn't really mean much to me. It's just another year older. But that's a whole nother year down the road.

But yeah I will be 20 is 66 days. Woot! *sarcasm*

What's even better is what's going on in 54 days. ;-)

May the Best 'Man' Win (Even if it is aMANda haha)

I was going to call this blog "random blurbing" until I finished writing it and came up with a better one. I realize that 'blurbing' is probably not a word in the dictionary but whatever. I'm me and well deal with my awesome use of random, made-up words. Haven't blogged in awhile and I figured it was time.

While I was over and Mo and Tommy's 3 weeks ago, Mo and I decided to do a "lifestyle change" thing over the next few months before spring break. Why is lifestyle change in quotes? Well cause when I asked "you mean diet right?", we decided that "Lifestyle change" sounded 'prettier' haha. Go figure, we are dorks. So far it has been good. Minus the fact that I didn't really start the FULL swing of it until last weekend. ONE: I didn't have a scale to keep track of it. TWO: I hadn't really started working out and going to my fitness class (which is not scheduled) until this last week. THREE: didn't really have the right foods in my apartment to do so. BUT I have all three of those obstacles overcome and they are all taken care of :-D So far 8lbs. have been shed in the last week :-D. I go to work out for an hour everyday and I have stopped drinking soda, eating sweets, and eating a minimal amount of greasy (yuck) foods. I am really excited that Mo and I decided to do this because I feel like I have someone with me doing it and it is just more motivation to keep doing it! Oh yeah and not to mention I am working on my arm strength cause during Winter Break Tommy pretty much made me realize pretty clearly that I am a weakling. I will probably still lose during Spring Break but I will still talk a bunch of crap and say I WILL WIN!! yeah that's right I said it, WHAT *stands intimidatingly* haha

Another thing that took place this week was my first Chemistry 151 (General Chemistry) test. It was on Wednesday the 14th. Since, I had lab on Thursday we did not get our tests back until Friday. Now I studied pretty hard for the test the night before but I still could not get conversions down. like from "m" to "cm" (i realized that centi = 100 which means 1m = 100cm) or "g" to "lbs". I, also, had difficulties with the charges of certain ionic bonds. I understand them a little better than the conversions but still both are struggles to me. But anyways, that isn't my point, point is that I got a 41 out of 68. I calculated it and it came out to be a 60% :-S which is DEFINITELY NOT a good score. But it is better than I thought I would and when I got my test back I understood exactly what I did wrong and I understand exactly what I need to study before the next test which is in like a week and a half. PLUS my first biology test is I believe the day before that one. But still I have 2 tests in a week and a half.

Speaking of school, I have been looking at the University of Washington's website and getting information about transferring over there. And I looked at cost of attendance and it is about $19,300, which is about $3,000 more than Eastern a year. Which is NOT bad at all!!. That price is WITH me being on my own and paying rent and all that jazz. Well, without having to pay rent or "living expenses" it would cost about $13,300 which is $3,000 CHEAPER that Eastern. So that is definitely good news for me. All I need to do is get official information on which of my classes will transfer over without a problem.

Alrighty, onto my FAVORITE topic as of late. Kind of the icing on this blog 'cake'. SPRING BREAK!!! Anna (:-D), Serena (:-D), and I have all been talking this week about our plans for spring break (hmm wonder what that could be *sarcasm*). Well here it is:

Anna + Amanda (me) = Leave Spokane @ 6:30pm and arrive in Seattle @ 7:35pm March 19th!!
Serena = Leave Spokane @ 1:40pm and arrive in Seattle @ 2:45pm March 21st!!
Serena + Anna = Leave Seattle @ 9:00pm March 25th. ( :( ).
Amanda (me) = Leave Seattle @ 4:00pm March 29th. ( :( ).

Anyways, why are we going to Seattle? hmm I wonder.....let's think about it......hmm..........uh. I have no idea *shifty sketchy eyes*
MO & TOMMY'S PLACE!!
haha. Serena and I have been practicing and will keep practicing songs that are on the Playstation game called SingStar! to practice for the brutal butt beating that we will be doing singing on Spring Break. THAT'S RIGHT I SAID IT!! As Serena, Mo, and I have said: "This is SERIOUS business" haha yeah right, when have us three all been serious, pssssh I can't think of it.

Brutal Ass Kicking @ SingStar = March 19th-ish through March 29th-ish!! Be there or be square!

Organized Chaos

How ironic that I title this entry same as my entire blog...hmm haha. Anyways, in the past week a lot has gone down which is strange because it seems as if things happen too slowly in my life. So this entry is going to be a bit jumbled and I will probably jump back and forth between topics, so bare with me...

RANDY:
As far as this subject goes. I have realized that I am not necessarily IN LOVE with him. But that I just love him. I could never see myself with him due to his current habits that tend to be little pet peeves of mine. For instance, while home all he does is sit around playing video games. Granted he will go out and do stuff, but that stuff is either A. get soda, B. get food, or C. go buy a game, mind you this is besides being asleep or going to work. Keeps talking about going to school but making little to no effort in making that happen so pretty much it seems as if he is at a standstill in life and well I just don't see a future with him working out outside of being close friends. And that works for me. Why complicate a good friendship? Friends are those who will be there with you til the end in the roughest and greatest times. Case closed.

SCHOOL:
School started this week and so far so good. I have been studying every night for a couple hours at a time, minus tonight because I studied for 7 hours yesterday, so I feel I need a break. Work study is easier this quarter because I have a class afterwards so it's not like I can just go home whenever I feel like it, so I figure just pass the time making money. But yes, school is going good thus far.

WORK:
Aside from work study, I still work Old Country Buffet and I still hate it. The job is really easy so it's not the actual job I hate, it's the place of work and the management. It just sucks. Due to school and work study, my schedule only permits me to work Saturdays and Sundays at OCB. Well I told my manager this and well she was just plain b****y about it. She said that I need to be consistent on weekends or she is going to have to find someone else who is. So basically she threatened my job. But whatever I could care less. I have been there 3 years and I feel if I take a weekend off here and there it is no problem but NOOO it is the end of the world if I take the weekend off. Excuse the f*** out of me. Pardon my french. But due to no free time, I really don't have time to find another job. If OCB fires me or "lets me go" then so be it. I can find another job, plus I have work study.

FAMILY:
Those few weekends that I have been taking off from OCB have been because I go and visit my brother, sister (Mo), and nephews over in Tacoma. But I will get to that in a second. My family though is a big issue right now. My mom has been really, really snappy and irritable lately and it is really frustrating because she won't tell me what is wrong with her. She just keeps breathing fire down my neck like an angry dragon. So I have been talking to her less and less as of late due to her irritability. Part of me feels that it has something to do with her relationship. From the sounds of it I guess that her and her bf have been fighting a lot lately and I wonder if it has to do with the fact that she keeps mentioning the "m" word (aka marriage) randomly and well that tends to be where my mom's track record has led her with her past relationships. It is like a broken record playing the same thing over and over again. It's nothing new to me. But the funny thing about it is that it runs in the family and I think it has skipped over me. How do I know this? Well my grandma, mother, and sister (Kyla) all do the same thing. Frequently dating. When one relationship ends, they go immediately into another, leaving no time for recovery or time to process what happened. The last relationship I was in was a year ago and with being single for this year, I have been able to process things and focus on school, which is important to me. I don't feel like I fit in with my biological family like at all it seems. I never feel "at home" when I go visit my mom or when hanging out with them.

"VACATIONS":
Like I said I go visit my brother (Tommy), sister (Mo), and nephews (Elisha, Ashton, Theron, & Ace) for periods of time requiring me to take time off of work. I consider them mini vacations. I feel completely relaxed and at ease and "at home" when I go over there. :-). I feel like I am part of a family when I am there. I feel like I belong when I am with them. According to Tommy I am "Gullible, Witty, and Fun all at the same time". :-) Well I feel the same about them. They are all oodles of fun to be around. And like I said I feel "at home" when I am with them. Which brings me to my next topic.

FUTURE:
Mo and Tommy have mentioned the idea of me moving in with them. Mo more than anything (hehe). Then again I don't blame her considering she is 1 in 6 members that lives in her home, the rest are boys. TONS OF TESTOSTERONE. I feel for her haha. Anyways, ever since they have mentioned it, I have seriously considered it. And well I do want to go to University of Washington for Medical School when it comes time. And with everything starting to stress me out as of late and putting me at unease, I have considered the idea EVEN MORE! The things I need to figure out are school, finances, and transportation. But eventually I will end up over in the Seattle/Tacoma area. It is just a matter of time. I really do want to move over there. I just have a few obstacles to overcome, physical and personal.

SPRING BREAK:
I pretty much just can't wait to be at Mo & Tommy's for NINE DAYS!!! That's all on that subject hehe.

Ok Snow, You Can Go Away Anytime Now...

Well, school was supposed to start again today but it didn't because of the massive amount of accumulated snow. I am so freaking sick of snow it is not even funny. I had a blast over in Tacoma at Tommy & Mo's and I was really sad when I had to come back. I seriously wouldn't mind living there, no joke. But since I am already in school and I am working on getting my grades higher so I can get into University of Washington for Med school, I can't really do much about that right now.

That also depends on if Mo & Tommy are still over there when Med school comes around. But that is besides the point. The point is that the snow sucks and I wish that it was gone. I can handle a foot but like 6 feet of snow?!!?! I don't think so.

Point: Snow, you suck!

May The New Year Bring Happiness

Happy 2009! I mean it is just another day but it is the beginning to another year. I had a really good New Years Eve spending it with my brother Tommy, sister Monique and their friends, Billy and Kacy. We ended up playing Quelf which is this ridiculously fun and unique game. Nothing like it. Just look it up and you will see why.

I have been here in Tacoma since Saturday December 27th and so far it has been a blast. I have had fun everyday that I have been here so far. Nothing bad has happened....well except when I was stressing about money when I didn't need to be. But I get that paranoia from my mom, plus if you are strapped for cash I am sure that you stress too so it is pretty common. I thankfully found out that I was worrying for nothing :-)

Monique and Tommy have a Playstation3 and they have this game called SingStar that you sing along with a song and you are scored on how you do. To provide more entertainment for the evening, I ended up singing "Nine In The Afternoon" by Panic! At The Disco by myself and I got "SingStar" which is the highest grading you could get. It was rather amusing trying to go back and forth between microphones and trying to not get confused. :-) The gradings go from "Tone Deaf" to "Amateur" to "Hopeful" to "Lead Singer" to "Rising Star" to "SuperStar" to "Hit Artist" to "SingStar". Needless to say there were a lot of "Amateur" and "Hopeful" grading, but I think that is the funnest video game that I have played so far.

What else has happened? Hmm. Oh yeah! Tommy tends to wrestle with the kids (Elisha, Ashton, Theron, & Ace) and teach the wrestling moves. Well, me being the wimp that I am, and the pacifist that I am, I do not know how to fight. The boys have made plenty of attempts to wrestling me, and yep, I lost everytime. Well, Ace hasn't really.....then again he is only 9 & 1/2 months old so I can't really expect him to be like the others. With the kids being as vicious as they can be, I have TRIED to fake out Tommy by making it look like I am going to hit him even though I am not......Yeah BAAAAAAAD idea. I ended up on the ground every single time. I suck at fighting haha. Especially this morning at like 1:45 when I became the test dummy for some moves that Tommy was showing Billy. Yeah that was interesting. I remember at one point my back cracked really loud. Felt good, but scared the crap out of me cause I thought something broke. The biggest thing I learned during that whole scenario is that I need to learn how to fight. haha. I did learn how to choke someone though if I am pinned on the ground. That was pretty cool.

There has been plenty of heckling throughout the week, but it has definitely been a stress-free week. This has been the best New Year yet. All in all, let the new year bring happiness to all.