Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Soap Opera Called Amanda's Life

So since my last post, things between my mother haven't been good like at all. It just got worse with each passing day. It got to the point on Friday that I just couldn't take it anymore. I ended up working out so hard at the gym I almost passed out. Pretty bad I know, I never realize how much harder I work out when I am upset.

Well, to my surprise, Mo texted me and asked me if I wanted to come over for the weekend. I seriously thought she was joking with me. The usual "you know, you have a place over here that you can move too, there are schools here hehe" or "how about you hurry up and get here lol" Not in those exact words, those are just off the top of my head, but you get the picture. But no she was dead serious. I called and was like "uh yeah I can't really afford something like that" long story short, they knew I was having a difficult time and they flew me out to their place for the weekend. I called in "sick" to work for the weekend and just up and left. Man it was a much needed and much enjoyed break from life here. Unfortunately to end a good weekend, I went back home to what I am now referring to as my hell.

Mom had picked me up. It was seriously the most awkward car ride I have ever had with my mother. Dead silent for almost the entire time. She started asking me questions and stuff, again pushing issues that I was not yet ready to talk about. So much has happened this past week regarding my mother, almost too much to spill out about on here. But anyways, yes dealing with my mother is difficult, and I am having dinner with her at 6pm on Tuesday at Tomato Street to try and explain to her why I am upset by her actions. She seems to think it is pointless, which in turn makes me think she's not willing to try considering she said "what's the point" when I asked her about it. But my theory is that if I put myself out there and explain my side rationally as an adult and be the bigger person in the situation, I won't have the regret or guilt on my shoulders of not trying to fix things. I am not ashamed of how I feel and I do not want to hide it. That's just not me.

Things with Serena are good. Thank goodness, cause she has saved me through so much. I am truly grateful to have a friend like her, no matter how frustrated I can get with her. :)

Roommates...well. hmm. How do I go about this subject. Well, they keep me up at night being loud and obnoxious playing video games while I am trying to get a good night's sleep before school the next day. I am insulted constantly, whether they be "women" jokes, or fat jokes, or whatever. (those happen to be the popular ones). Randy doesn't clean AT ALL. Cody STILL doesn't have a job. Bryan, well he does neither, but he doesn't technically live here. He DOES however contribute to the loudness at night when I am trying to sleep. My food is eaten constantly. Not so much now as it was a couple months ago. That could be because I b****ed about it because I cannot afford to pay for food for 3 let alone 2 other people. I do get Chuck E. Cheese comments thrown at me here and there, but that is my fault for telling them at all what happened. Usually I just act like the comment doesn't affect me and they tend to shut up. But yeah pretty much, that's the life of me here in this apartment. Don't really know what to do.

School, it's going pretty good. Chemistry could be better and Biology is better than last year. Film is easy. Fast fitness is bomb!

Work, both jobs are going fantastic...ish.

Anyways, Spring Break is in officially 5 weeks and I am so ready for it. 10 days out of this hellhole.

This is all scrambled together I know, but just getting my thoughts out there.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

"And Even When Your Hope Is Gone. Move Along Move Along Just To Make It Through. Move Along. Move Along"

Bare with me I am about to spout off in a direction that has many different pathways and I have no idea how it is going to come out or how profane it may come across but here it is:

August 2006. What is important about this month? Well my mother divorced probably the worst guy she has ever dated/married in all that I have known her. His name was Eric and to put it bluntly he was the biggest asshole I have ever known in my life. The funny thing is that I am no longer mad at him. In fact I don't know if I was ever really mad at HIM and not my Mom. My mother basically let him replace my dad and I really resent her for that. Always trying to get me to call him dad even though she knew I never would be ok with that. I remember a couple times that she let him ground me for a month for absolutely nothing. This isn't the attitude of a typical rebellious child against the parents, this is fact. She has even admitted it recently. I don't think I have ever felt so much disrespect from someone besides him. And once again, my mother just sat on the sidelines just watching this happen and didn't do anything to prevent it. And along with the disrespect to me he disrespected my mother and she just took it, so as far as that goes I don't really feel sorry for her sadly because she just dealt with it. She didn't do anything to prevent THAT either. There were countless nights that my sister and I were unable to go to sleep because they had yelling battles back and forth.

Now here comes the part that pisses me off most about my mother. She would come to me asking me how I really feel about who she is dating. When I told her that I thoroughly loath, not hate, LOATH Eric for how disrespectful he is to her, Kyla, AND I, she basically brushed it off like it was nothing and AGAIN did NOTHING about it. And when I told her how I felt about the situation and that I am not the only one feeling that way at the time, she would use the response "I don't want to hear it" every single time that I would express my opinion that she ASKED for. If you don't want to "hear my opinion" then don't fucking ask for it.

She was with Eric for I believe 3 years and after divorcing him she dated her old high school sweetheart, Howard, for awhile until she realized that they would only be good as friends. And when they broke up, my mom was upset. But again I don't really feel sorry for her considering I told her that I thought being single for a while would be good for her. I don't remember how long she stayed single before she got with Howard. They were together a few months and this is where the "is he a good father figure" questions started with her. Howard was cool I'm not going to lie, but no one can replace my father. And I could also tell that Howard and my mother were not really maritally compatible. I, once again, gave my mom the "Being Single Is Ok" speech and I thought she had gotten the hint for awhile until about a month after Howard and her broke up, Eric came over and I immediately went to my room and didn't come out until he left. My mom tried figuring out what my problem was, she was pretty much playing dumb, which I hate that. She knew very well why I was upset about him coming over. But wait it doesn't stop there. I think it was maybe a week or two weeks tops, he came over again, and once again, I went immediately in my room. My mom sat us down with Eric in the same room and I wouldn't look at him. She told us that they were going to try dating again and I got pissed and went to my room. And as I suspected, the fighting and yelling began again after they were dating for awhile and when they finally broke up for good I threw an "I told you so" type comment to her. And once again, didn't feel sorry for her because she put herself in a situation that we all had warned her about.

I have become even more distant with her since then. That is where the distance between us started because she basically fucked over our mother-daughter bond with ignoring my feelings and my warnings to her about the situation with Eric. She continues her dating habits. She doesn't really wait very long to jump into another relationship. I think the last time I told her that it was ok to be single her response was "I'm afraid to be alone". She has become so dependent on her relationships that she tries to solidify with the guys she dates, and they have been failed attempts. I hate sounding so harsh but the truth hurts and she doesn't seem to see it.

Ok now to the most current issue. Last night's dinner which was supposed to be a nice night out that Kyla and I paid for for the family turned disasterous. Mom, Kyla, and I hung out for a couple hours before going to dinner. Now earlier in the day Steve (my mom's new beau) had decided that he didn't want to go to dinner, which was fine, we would just have a girls day with my mom, sister, grandma, and grandma's friend. I thought it would be a nice evening out. Well as it got closer to 6 o'clock, which was when we decided to go to dinner, Steve started calling more frequently changing his mind about whether or not he was going to go to dinner with us. I was seriously thinking "I don't want him there if he is just going to keep being indecisive about whether or not he wants to even go to dinner at all." Well he did end up coming to dinner....but beforehand my mother and I had to go pick him up from his friend's house. On the way there I told my mom that she blocks everyone whenever she is talking to Steve and she tried telling me that she does that when she's talking to us, which is not true. And she looks at me and said "If you have a problem with Steve, you need to tell me right now."

I said "I don't have a problem with Steve. I have a problem with the drinking and....."
She didn't let me finish saying what I wanted which was "...the unemployment". She turned around and said "he doesn't drink all the time. In the last 2 days he's drank maybe two times. Everyone says he drinks all the times but...."
I said "Everytime I see him he either has a beer in his hand or he is drunk"
She stopped talking about it then because we had gotten to his friend's house and she went inside to get him. I think the top two traits my mom looks for in a guy is alcoholism and unemployment, I swear cause that's how almost all of her boyfriends have been.

While she was inside I called Mo and vented a little about what had happened earlier in the day. But it was maybe a 5 minute conversation because my mom and Steve had come back outside. As soon as Steve got in the car, he reeked of alcohol and he was slurring. I just kept rolling my eyes all the way to the Olive Garden. But when he got in the car he was like "Hey honey." Which weirds me out everytime he says something like that, ESPECIALLY when he's drunk. On the car ride to the Olive Garden he kept messing with the radio like you would expect a 12 year old to do. And my mom was getting frustrated with him for doing so and he still wouldn't stop.

Anyways we got downtown, and this day I decided to wear heels that day, and we got out of the car. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steve giving me the up and down look and it weirded me out. And then at one point I heard him go "mm-mm" right in front of my mom and she just let it happen. Eeeewwww! So as we got closer to the restaurant, I was rushing to get inside and get away from Steve.

So we all got inside and were seated, and we all started looking through our menus.........except for Steve. We all nudged him about looking at his menu and his response was "I'd rather be at home. I don't want to fucking eat here. You're fucking wasting your money" And every other word was a cuss word. I finally had had enough with it and said "Steve stop. There are children sitting at the next table and this is a family restaurant. Be kind and courteous." All he said was that he didn't fucking care. Which pissed me off more so I just buried my face in my menu and slid down my chair a little. My mom and him finally went outside and my sister, grandma and her friend all were talking about how ridiculous it was that he was there and that mom should have taken him home. My mom ended up coming back to the table first and we all told her that he needed to go home and she said "ENOUGH. I don't need this." And we all went back to ordering our food. Steve ended up coming back and STILL wouldn't order, which made my sister and I feel insulted because here we are using our hard earned cash to pay for a nice family dinner and he won't accept it. He complained all through dinner that he didn't want to be there. So needless to say, my sister and I both went home pissed.

I didn't get much sleep last night because of how upset I was, even after venting to Mo. She helped a lot and I am so grateful to have her and Tommy in my life to help me get through rough times like this in my life. She told me I should tell my mom how I feel about it, and I was planning on it, even though I knew the end result would be the same, she wouldn't want to hear it. So this morning this was the conversation:

Me: Morning
Mom: good morning honey--thank you for dinner last night it was wonderful.
Me: Yep.
Mom: Are you mad at me?
Me: More frustrated than mad. Mad is too harsh.
Mom: Okay then talk to me...
Me: Ok. Last night was BS and you know it. He should have gone home and dinner was ruined and kyla and I feel insult and hurt by the way he acted last night and don't appreciate it.
Mom: I thought things got better after Steve and I went outside and talked. Apparently I am wrong.
Me: Yeah. Maybe things got better between you two arguing between you guys wise but no it was not better.
Mom: No one ever wants to see the bigger picture. They only see bits and pieces. It won't happen again.
Me: We'll see about that. I'm not holding back like I always do with you. Just being honest.
Mom: And it's because of comments like that. We're not doing that again.
Me: wow.

And that was the conversation and I haven't spoken to her since. I ended up crying on the way home from school while talking to Mo. I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom doesn't see how much she is pushing me even further away with stuff like that, the "holier than thow" attitude that everyone is wrong about the situation in her eyes. I decided that I am not going to hold back anymore with my mom. I am done hiding how I feel about the things she does and giving her the answers she wants to hear. I decided that I am distancing myself away from my mom for awhile, maybe she will get the picture that things have not changed since Eric and realize that her dating habits are unhealthy. There is so much more that I could add to this blog but it wouldn't make sense and I just don't want to dig into that. But I have decided that I am not going to speak to my mother for awhile. She just sent me "Just let me know when you are done being pissed off at me. Will give you space until then" And again she thinks that it's not her fault. She doesn't get it and I am not going to spell it out for her.

And she wonders why I go see Mo and Tommy as often as I do, besides the fact that I want to see them duh! But I don't have to deal with what my mom puts me through over there.

These are some songs I was listening to while writing this:
The All-American Rejects "Move Along" This song is my theme song to life
Rise Against "Prayer of the Refugee"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Navigate Me"
Underoath "It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door"
Anberlin "Time & Confusion"
The Used "Paralyzed"
Bloodhound Gang "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo"
The Goo Goo Dolls "Let Love In"
Cute Is What We Aim For "Teasing To Please"
Motion City Soundtrack "Fell In Love Without You"
The Audition "Don't Be So Hard"
Underoath "You're Ever So Inviting"
The Used "Buried Myself Alive"
Finch "What It Is To Burn"
Maroon 5 "She Will Be Loved"
Saosin "It's Far Better To Learn"


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Changes. Or New Beginnings.

Interesting title to call a blog I suppose. Sounds like it is going to be one of those New Year's Resolution blogs eh? haha far from. Well kind of. haha

So in the past 3 weeks I have lost 10 pounds and I am super proud of myself for sticking to my "lifestyle changes" plan. (AKA diet). Still no red meat which I am really proud of myself for sticking to considering I LOOOOOOVE steak. BUT I plan on cooking a big steak dinner March 19th :-D

The above image is me with my new hair. I went and got my hair cut on Friday after school. Got more noticable layers, bangs and got it thinned out and trimmed about an inch. It definitely feels lighter. But that's not all. I also dyed it two different colors as you can see. Lighter blonde on top that has a reddish tint to it for some reason. I blame the genes I got from my mother's side of the family because they have the reddish hair lol. Still looks cool. And the bottom layer is dark brown. At first when I dyed it I had a lighter brown and darker blonde so you couldn't really tell that I had dyed it. But this is the final product of it.

I was planning on getting new glasses on Friday but due to the fact that my mother chose a difficult insurance company, I am having a hard time finding a place that will accept it. So my mom and I are going to go to Sears next week and get glasses. It has been about 3 years since my last eye appt so I think it is definitely time for me to get new glasses. The lens I have are all scratched up. Not broken but scratched. Plus I want new glasses for my new look.

The only thing right now that makes me look like I have a new look is my hair and my mom and grandma have noticed that I have been slowly thinning out. I have a few other ideas that I plan to go through with but that isn't until Spring Break. I plan on getting my spiffy cool tattoo on my left foot. Musical related. lots and lots of music notes that's for sure. And I also want to get the bottom left part of my lip pierced (your right side if you're looking at me). plus I would also like another part of my ear pierced. Maybe the upper part of my right ear to balance out the piercings on my head. If that makes sense. haha

My computer works thankfully. Turns out putting it on hibernate or standby all the time is bad for it. I would have never guessed. haha. My charger shorted out so I had to spend $100 to replace it. Which is fine by me, technology can be spendy but it is helpful especially when you're in college.

Anywho I don't really have much else to say. That's the update. oooo new music

Breathe Carolina "The Birds & the Bees"
Lady Gaga "Poker Face" ---- Mo you will love this one
Cute Is What We Aim For "Practice Makes Perfect"
All American Rejects "Gives You Hell"
Fall Out Boy "I Don't Care"
The Killers "Human"
Carolina Liar "I'm Not Over"
The Used "The Bird & The Worm"
Meg & Dia "Black Wedding"
Alkaline Trio "Time To Waste"
The Actual "Dancing On The Perimeter"
The Academy Is... "About A Girl"

Just some of the stuff I have been listening to lately :)

Oh yeah I got a new phone btw. The LG Voyager. Pretty fricken Sweet if you ask me.

Word of the day: Adroit (means expert or Skillful)

final note: 44 days til Spring Break. Woo!