You Want The Truth? I Can Handle The Truth

Here I sit in my bed in my apartment listening to Secondhand Serenade [“A Twist in My Story”]. I was doing a word search but the thoughts started to bounce through my head thinking about things in my life. The first song on this album is called “Like a Knife” and it is basically talking about a lover leaving basically. It just makes me think about back in February when Tevis broke up with me. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not all down and whatnot because I am not with him anymore but I was just thinking of what happened. I was only with him for a month, yet I was down in the dumps for a month afterwards. It was good that that ended because he was 17 years old and not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. That is not a bash, it is the truth because in the end he said he didn’t want something serious. But to be honest I don’t think it was because I wasn’t with him anymore.

I actually sat here thinking about it and every time I tried to get to know another guy or tried to see if a relationship would build with another guy, nothing would happen. And I think I know why. I always compare them to my best friend Randy. Back in 2004 is when the chapters in my life containing Randy began. I had Science with him my sophomore year in High School. I really do not remember how I got to start talking to him. I think it was probably because our teacher Mr. Webber sat us next to each other at some point in the first semester of the school year.

As I think about back then, I wonder why I continued talking to him. He was always sarcastic, rude, disrespectful, etc. There are plenty of other words I could use to describe what I should have seen him as. For some reason I was drawn to talking to him, I ended developing feelings for him. Bad bad bad idea. Which brings me to another thought, why do we always like the ones that are rude to us, dismiss the ones who actually like us and ignore the ones who adore us? Or something along those lines.

Ok back to my train of thought. I had developed feelings for Randy and well it was a bad idea. Anyways, When I finally got the courage to tell him how I felt, it was probably a year later and it was in a huge email that was like I swear 12 paragraphs long, It was like an entire essay basically telling him that I liked him. He was less than nice about it and it was upsetting, so I ended up not talking to him for about 3 to 6 months, I can’t remember exactly how long it was. But yeah it was at least 3 months. I did eventually end up talking to him again and through the end of Junior year and all of senior year our friendship had built up and he became my best guy friend.

He started dating this girl names Alicia beginning of senior year, and at first I was a little pissy cause well it was another girl in my best friend’s life, then I got over it and was happy that he had found someone and was happy. They lasted less than a year, for pretty much the reason that she didn’t like how close Randy and I were as friends. So she got all obsessive or something like that, I can’t remember how he described it but he broke it off with her.

[I keep forgetting what my point is to writing this, I think this is just a whole bunch of stuff trying to remember where the beginning of our friendship started and how it has developed.]

When I moved out September 2007 into an apartment with my friend Amy from Middle School, I didn’t find out it was a bad idea until after living with her for a few months. But through the rough times I talked to Randy about it. We usually talked during his lunch break at 2am on the phone. Sometimes I would drive up to Walmart at 2 in the morning to have lunch with him and bounce ideas and what was going to him, creating more building blocks of our relationship as friends. [By the way, he is the only guy I have told everything to]. This strong friendship helped in rough times. While things ended not so nicely with Amy at the end of our lease, I ended up not having a place to go and Randy was there and offered his place to stay. It was like perfect timing, because his roommate and best friend Cody was going to the UK for 9 months.

Since Randy and I did not expect Cody back until July, when his lease ended in November, we signed an 8 month lease because that was when we expected Cody back. Well about a week after signing this lease, Cody informed us that he hated the UK so much that he was coming home in about 2 weeks. Well he is here now. So now we have 3 people living in a 2-bedroom apartment. It isn’t so bad to be honest because I am living with my best friend and a good friend of mine. But all the business with Cody is not the point of this blog I now realize.

While I keep telling myself and everyone that I do not like Randy more than a friend, I still ponder the idea of what it would be like for us to be together. It doesn’t help with everyone telling me that “oh you guys will probably end up married, you guys already act like it minus the physical stuff”. That is really frustrating because I spend a year convincing myself that I was over that whole liking Randy thing. Well, it was more than a liking I guess you could say. It was like one of those movies where the girl falls in love with her best friend and it just ends that they are friends with her still loving him. [Kind of like My Best Friend’s Wedding] I think I am that girl unfortunately. Why do I say unfortunately, you ask. Well, I honestly don’t want to be in love with my best friend. It is just a big stress for me, a big weight on my shoulders.

I have discussed this with him……kind of. It was more so like “have you ever thought about us being more than friends?” his response was “it wouldn’t work” and me being as stubborn as I am, I needed it bluntly stated and I said that that didn’t answer my question and he said “yes”. That was a big relief in a way due to the fact that I knew it was not a one way thing. And I still think about it to this day about what it would be like.

Serena is the only one who really knows the whole extent of these feelings probably because she has been there through the entire saga of it. Now I am baring my soul and telling whoever reads this about it. It feels like I am standing in the middle of a crowd naked, vulnerable and exposed, expressing that I love my best friend.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this entry, I compare every guy I try to get to know with my relationship that I have with Randy, thus setting myself up for relationship failure. And making a break up seem more painful than it really should be because I think of it as if it were Randy and I.